George Carlin

“Life is a near-death experience.” ~ George Carlin

“If the cops didn’t see it, I didn’t do it!” ~ George Carlin

“We get what we deserve. They are our elected officials.” ~ George Carlin

“Traditional American values: Genocide, aggression, conformity, emotional repression, hypocrisy, and the worship of comfort and consumer goods.” ~ George Carlin

“Voting is a meaningless exercise. I’m not going to waste my time with it. These parties, these politicians are given to us as a way of making us feel we have freedom of choice. But we don’t. Everything is done to you in this country.” ~ George Carlin

“Never argue with an idiot. They will only bring you down to their level and beat you with experience.” ~ George Carlin

“People who see life as anything more than pure entertainment are missing the point.” ~ George Carlin

“I’m in shape. Round is a shape.” ~ George Carlin

“Swimming is not a sport. Swimming is a way to keep from drowning. That’s just common sense!” ~ George Carlin

“If a movie is described as a romantic comedy, you can usually find me next door playing pinball.” ~ George Carlin

“I love people as I meet them one by one. People are just wonderful as individuals. You see the whole universe in their eyes if you look carefully. But as soon as they begin to group, as soon as they begin to clot, when there are five of them or ten or even groups of smallest two, they begin to change, they sacrifice the beauty of the individual for the sake of the group.” ~ George Carlin

“I was thinking about how people seem to read the Bible a whole lot more as they get older; then it dawned on me – they’re cramming for their final exam.” ~ George Carlin

“If you want to get rid of counterfeit money, put it in the collection plate at church.” ~ George Carlin

“In the Navy, there is no wrong hole. In the Marines, there is always a hole.” ~ George Carlin

“If honesty were suddenly introduced into American life, the whole system would collapse.” ~ George Carlin

“Christians worship a dead Jew on a stick.” ~ George Carlin

“In Baltimore it’s 6:42!” ~ George Carlin

“When you’re born into this world, you’re given a ticket to the freak show. If you’re born in America you get a front row seat.” ~ George Carlin

“All the media and the politicians ever talk about is things that separate us, things that make us different from one another.” ~ George Carlin

“In America, anyone can become president. That’s the problem.” ~ George Carlin

“One thing leads to another? Not always. Sometimes one thing leads to the same thing. Ask an addict.” ~ George Carlin

“If God created everything, he’s got a serious quality control problem.” ~ George Carlin

“I think it’s the duty of the comedian to find out where the line is drawn and cross it deliberately. ” ~ George Carlin

“Death is caused by swallowing small amounts of saliva over a long period of time.” ~ George Carlin

“Hard work is for people short on talent.” ~ George Carlin

“When I was young I used to read about the decline of Western civilization, and I decided it was something I would like to make a contribution to.” ~ George Carlin

“They mention that it’s a nonstop flight. Well, I must say I don’t care for that sort of thing. Call me old fashioned, but I insist that my flight stop. Preferably at an airport.” ~ George Carlin

“Isn’t making a smoking section in a restaurant like making a peeing section in a swimming pool?” ~ George Carlin

“Sex always has consequences. When Hitler’s mother spread her legs that night, she effectively canceled out the spreading of fifteen to twenty million other pairs of legs.” ~ George Carlin

“The other night I ate at a real nice family restaurant. Every table had an argument going.” ~ George Carlin

“Property is theft. Nobody “owns” anything. When you die, it all stays here.” ~ George Carlin

“Tits always look better in a pink sweater.” ~ George Carlin

“The future will soon be a thing of the past.” ~ George Carlin

“Tell people there’s an invisible man in the sky who created the universe, and the vast majority will believe you. Tell them the paint is wet, and they have to touch it to be sure.” ~ George Carlin

“I don’t consider myself a cynic. I think of myself as a skeptic and a realist.” ~ George Carlin

“The violence of the Left is symbolic, the injuries are not intended. The violence of the Right is real – directed at people, designed to cause injuries. Vietnam, nuclear weapons, police out of control are intentional forms of violence. The violence from the Right is aimed directly at people and the violence from the Left is aimed at institutions and symbols.” ~ George Carlin

“I go to bed early; my favorite dream comes on at nine.” ~ George Carlin

“Most people work just hard enough not to get fired and get paid just enough money not to quit.” ~ George Carlin

“Cloud nine gets all the publicity, but cloud eight actually is cheaper, less crowded, and has a better view.” ~ George Carlin

“Sometimes when I’m told to use my own discretion, if no one is looking I’ll use someone else’s. But I always put it back.” ~ George Carlin

“Every person you look at, you can see the universe in their eyes, if you’re really looking.” ~ George Carlin

“Just when I discovered the meaning of life, they changed it.” ~ George Carlin

“Never underestimate the power of stupid people in large groups.” ~ George Carlin

“I’m 63 now. But that’s just 17 Celsius.” ~ George Carlin

“We created god in our own image and likeness!” ~ George Carlin

“Don’t sweat the petty things and don’t pet the sweaty things.” ~ George Carlin

“If the black box flight recorder is never damaged during a plane crash, why isn’t the whole airplane made out of that stuff? ” ~ George Carlin

“Children are not our future, and I can prove it with my usual, flawless logic. Children can’t be our future, because by the time the future arrives, they won’t be children anymore, so blow me!” ~ George Carlin

“Religion is like drugs, it destroys the thinking mind.” ~ George Carlin

“Men are from Earth, women are from Earth. Deal with it.” ~ George Carlin

“We have multiplied our possessions, but reduced our values.” ~ George Carlin

“Life is tough, then you die.” ~ George Carlin

“If a painting can be forged well enough to fool experts, why is the original so valuable?” ~ George Carlin

“Just cause you got the monkey off your back doesn’t mean the circus has left town.” ~ George Carlin

“Some people see things that are and ask, Why? Some people dream of things that never were and ask, Why not? Some people have to go to work and don’t have time for all that.” ~ George Carlin

“They say that instead of cursing the darkness, one should light a candle. Nothing is mentioned, though, about cursing a lack of candles.” ~ George Carlin

“I have lots of ideas. Trouble is, most of them suck.” ~ George Carlin

“As far as I’m concerned, humans have not yet come up with a belief that’s worth believing.” ~ George Carlin

“If it’s true that our species is alone in the universe, then I’d have to say the universe aimed rather low and settled for very little.” ~ George Carlin

“Don’t take guilt trips. Take a trip to the mall, to the next county, to a foreign country, but NOT to where the guilt is.” ~ George Carlin

“Medical researchers have discovered a new disease that has no symptoms. It is impossible to detect, and there is no known cure. Fortunately, no cases have been reported thus far.” ~ George Carlin

“Future historians will be able to study at the Jimmy Carter Library, the Gerald Ford Library, the Ronald Reagan Library, and the Bill Clinton Adult Bookstore.” ~ George Carlin

“Ah, to be a bird. To fly the skies, sing my song, and best of all occasionally peck someone’s eyes out.” ~ George Carlin

“I often wonder how different the world would be if Hitler had not been turned down when he applied to art school.” ~ George Carlin

“The radio ad “Hi, I’m Jeff Healey from the Jeff Healey Band. Don’t drink and drive. I don’t”. Well, I hope you don’t drive sober either Mr. Healey. You’re blind for God’s sake!” ~ George Carlin

“Some national parks have long waiting lists for camping reservations. When you have to wait a year to sleep next to a tree, something is wrong.” ~ George Carlin

“Weather forecast for tonight: dark.” ~ George Carlin

“Avoid teams at all cost. Keep your circle small. Never join a group that has a name.” ~ George Carlin

“One time. In 1965. August, for about an hour, I was both fine AND dandy at the same time. But nobody asked me how I was.” ~ George Carlin

“The secret of success is doing something you love, doing it well and being recognized for it.” ~ George Carlin

“If you vote and you elect dishonest, incompetent people into office who screw everything up, you are responsible for what they have done. You caused the problem; you voted them in; you have no right to complain.” ~ George Carlin

“People say life begins at conception, I say life began about a billion years ago and it’s a continuous process.” ~ George Carlin

“What if there were no hypothetical questions?” ~ George Carlin

“To me, fast food is when a cheetah eats an antelope.” ~ George Carlin

“And although I broke a lot of laws as a teenager, I straightened out immediately upon turning eighteen, when I realized the state had a legal right to execute me.” ~ George Carlin

“Religion is like a pair of shoes. Find one that fits for you, but don’t make me wear your shoes.” ~ George Carlin

“Religion has actually convinced people that there’s an invisible man living in the sky.” ~ George Carlin

“I like Florida. Everything is in the 80s. The temperatures, the ages and the IQ’s.” ~ George Carlin

“No matter what you do, no matter how hard you try, you’re screwed because it’s all fixed and rigged. There is a club and you ain’t in it.” ~ George Carlin

“Not only do I not know what’s going on, I wouldn’t know what to do about it if I did.” ~ George Carlin

“A lot of times when they catch a guy who killed twenty-seven people, they say, He was a loner. Well, of course he was a loner; he killed everyone he came in contact with.” ~ George Carlin

“If a turtle doesn’t have a shell, is he homeless or naked?” ~ George Carlin

“He is dead now, but he meant well.” ~ George Carlin

“There are women named Faith, Hope, Joy, and Prudence. Why not Despair, Guilt, Rage, and Grief? It seems only right. ‘Tom, I’d like you to meet the girl of my dreams, Tragedy.’ These days, Trajedi.” ~ George Carlin

“Have you ever wondered why Republicans are so interested in encouraging people to volunteer in their communities? It’s because volunteers work for no pay. Republicans have been trying to get people to work for no pay for a long time.” ~ George Carlin

“I think people should be allowed to do anything they want. We haven’t tried that for a while. Maybe this time it’ll work.” ~ George Carlin

“That’s the whole meaning of life, isn’t it? Trying to find a place for your stuff.” ~ George Carlin

“Sometimes a little brain damage can help.” ~ George Carlin

“Even in a fake democracy, people ought to get what they want once in a while.” ~ George Carlin

“Weather forecast for tonight: dark. Continued dark overnight, with widely scattered light by morning.” ~ George Carlin

“Everyone smiles in the same language.” ~ George Carlin

“A crazy person doesn’t really lose his mind. It just becomes something more entertaining.” ~ George Carlin

“The keys to America: The cross, the brew, the dollar, and the gun.” ~ George Carlin

“If someone with multiple personalities threatens to kill himself, is it considered a hostage situation?” ~ George Carlin

“The status quo sucks.” ~ George Carlin

“The things they don’t tell you in schools these days, geez. Have a look at your owners. The politicians are put there to give you the idea you have freedom of choice. You don’t. You have no choice; you have owners. They own you. They own everything.” ~ George Carlin

“Golf is an arrogant, elitist game that takes up entirely too much space in this country.” ~ George Carlin

“May the forces of evil become confused on the way to your house.” ~ George Carlin

“Energy experts have announced the development of a new fuel made from human brain tissue. It’s called assohol.” ~ George Carlin

“Age is a hell of a price to pay for wisdom.” ~ George Carlin

“The only good thing ever to come out of religion was the music.” ~ George Carlin

“We will never be an advanced civilization as long as rain showers can delay the launching of a space rocket.” ~ George Carlin

“Let a smile be your umbrella, and you’ll end up with a face full of rain.” ~ George Carlin

“There are nights when the wolves are silent and only the moon howls. ” ~ George Carlin

“How come when it’s us, it’s an abortion, and when it’s a chicken, it’s an omelette?” ~ George Carlin

“The reason I talk to myself is because I’m the only one whose answers I accept.” ~ George Carlin

“Catholic, which I was until I reached the age of reason.” ~ George Carlin

“Test of Metal: Will of Iron, Nerves of Steel, Heart of Gold, Balls of Brass.” ~ George Carlin

“Religion is just mind control.” ~ George Carlin

“When I hear a person talking about political solutions, I know I am not listening to a serious person.” ~ George Carlin

“Have you ever noticed that anybody driving slower than you is an idiot, and anyone going faster than you is a maniac?” ~ George Carlin

“One good reason to only maintain a small circle of friends is that three out of four murders are committed by people who know the victim.” ~ George Carlin

“Fighting for peace is like screwing for virginity.” ~ George Carlin

“Writing is really wonderful art. A lot of this is discovery. A lot of things are lying around waiting to be discovered and that’s our job as writers is to just notice them and bring them to life.” ~ George Carlin

“Save the trees, save the bees, save the whales, save those snails.” ~ George Carlin

“Well, if crime fighters fight crime and fire fighters fight fire, what do freedom fighters fight? They never mention that part to us, do they?” ~ George Carlin

“Electricity is really just organized lighting.” ~ George Carlin

“That invisible hand of Adam Smith’s seems to offer an extended middle finger to an awful lot of people.” ~ George Carlin

“More people have been killed in the name of God than for any other reason.” ~ George Carlin

“A pear is a failed apple.” ~ George Carlin

“If you can’t beat them, arrange to have them beaten.” ~ George Carlin

“I love and treasure individuals as I meet them, I loath and despise the groups they identify or belong to.” ~ George Carlin

“I don’t have to tell you it goes without saying there are some things better left unsaid. I think that speaks for itself. The less said about it the better.” ~ George Carlin

“And, of course, the funniest food: “kumquats”. I don’t even bring them home anymore. I sit there laughing and they go to waste.” ~ George Carlin

“Trying to be happy by accumulating possessions is like trying to satisfy hunger by taping sandwiches all over your body.” ~ George Carlin

“If you try to fail, and succeed, which have you done?” ~ George Carlin

“People have material needs, but you don’t need a deodorant for every different day of the week. You don’t need four hundred varieties of mustard. This is what I call too many choices. There are too many choices in America.” ~ George Carlin

“You know what I like about the American form of government? They’ve worked things out so that you’re never far from a 7-Eleven.” ~ George Carlin

“So, have a little fun. Soon enough you’ll be dead and burning in Hell with the rest of your family.” ~ George Carlin

“Some people have no idea what they’re doing, and a lot of them are really good at it.” ~ George Carlin

“Laugh often, long and loud. Laugh until you gasp for breath.” ~ George Carlin

“Let’s not have a double standard. One standard will do just fine.” ~ George Carlin

“There’s no present. There’s only the immediate future and the recent past.” ~ George Carlin

“One tequila, two tequila, three tequila, floor.” ~ George Carlin

“I put a dollar in one of those change machines. Nothing changed.” ~ George Carlin

“A crumb is a great thing: If you break a crumb in half, you don’t get two half-crumbs, you get two crumbs. Doesn’t that violate some law of physics?” ~ George Carlin

“If it requires a uniform, it’s a worthless endeavor.” ~ George Carlin

“Life is not measured by the breathes you take, but by the moments that take your breathe away.” ~ George Carlin

“Baseball begins in the spring, the season of new life. Football begins in the fall, when everything’s dying.” ~ George Carlin

“I used to be Irish Catholic. Now I’m an American – you know, you grow.” ~ George Carlin

“I have this real moron thing I do? It’s called thinking.” ~ George Carlin

“People who ask “Can I ask you a question?” Didn’t really give me a choice, did ya there buddy?” ~ George Carlin

“If voting changed anything, it would be illegal.” ~ George Carlin

“Hooray for most things!” ~ George Carlin

“The following statement is true. The previous statement is false.” ~ George Carlin

“History is not happenstance: it is conspiratorial. Carefully planned and executed by people in power.” ~ George Carlin

“I recently went to a new doctor and noticed he was located in something called the Professional Building. I felt better right away.” ~ George Carlin

“Never forget that Hitler was a Catholic.” ~ George Carlin

“Some people think of the glass as half full. Some people think of the glass as half empty. I think of the glass as too big.” ~ George Carlin

“I’m happy to tell you there is very little in this world that I believe in.” ~ George Carlin

“Scratch any cynic and you will find a disappointed idealist.” ~ George Carlin

“People who say they don’t care what people think are usually desperate to have people think they don’t care what people think.” ~ George Carlin

“We think in language. The quality of our thoughts and ideas can only be as good as the quality of our language.” ~ George Carlin

“Y’ever notice how you never seem to get laid on Thanksgiving? I think it’s because all the coats are on the bed.” ~ George Carlin

“Why do they lock gas station bathrooms? Are they afraid someone will clean them?” ~ George Carlin

“Part of the pleasure of being alive is the knowledge that you’re not dead yet.” ~ George Carlin

“Political correctness is fascism pretending to be manners.” ~ George Carlin

“Give a man a fish and he will eat for a day. Teach him how to fish, and he will sit in a boat and drink beer all day.” ~ George Carlin

“Some people try to get out of jury duty by lying. You don’t have to lie. Tell the judge the truth. Tell him you’d make a terrific juror because you can spot guilty people.” ~ George Carlin

“I have as much authority as the Pope. I just don’t have as many people who believe it.” ~ George Carlin

“When someone asks you, A penny for your thoughts, and you put your two cents in, what happens to the other penny?” ~ George Carlin

“I would never want to be a member of a group whose symbol was a guy nailed to two pieces of wood.” ~ George Carlin

“Don’t give your money to the church. They should be giving their money to you.” ~ George Carlin

“Cherish your health: If it is good, preserve it. If it is unstable, improve it. If it is beyond what you can improve, get help.” ~ George Carlin

“So far, this is the oldest I’ve been.” ~ George Carlin

“Conservatives say if you don’t give the rich more money, they will lose their incentive to invest. As for the poor, they tell us they’ve lost all incentive because we’ve given them too much money.” ~ George Carlin

“A house is just a place to keep your stuff while you go out and get more stuff.” ~ George Carlin

“Conservatives want live babies so they can train them to be dead soldiers.” ~ George Carlin

“There’s this man who lives in the sky, and he has ten things he doesn’t want you to do, and you’ll burn for a long time if you do them. But he loves you.” ~ George Carlin

“I make fun of people who are religious, because they’re fundamentally weak.” ~ George Carlin

“If a parsley farmer is sued, can they garnish his wages?” ~ George Carlin

“We’ve learned how to make a living, but not a life. We’ve added years to life, not life to years.” ~ George Carlin

“What was the best thing before sliced bread?” ~ George Carlin

“As soon as someone is identified as an unsung hero, he no longer is.” ~ George Carlin

“If you you think there is a solution, you’re part of the problem.” ~ George Carlin

“What does it mean to pre-board? Do you get on before you get on?” ~ George Carlin

“All patriarchal societies are either preparing for war, at war, or recovering from war.” ~ George Carlin

“If you ask me, we could do with a little less motivation. – The people who are causing all the trouble seem highly motivated to me. – Serial killers, stock swindlers, drug dealers, Christian Republicans.” ~ George Carlin

“Before they invented drawing boards, what did they go back to?” ~ George Carlin

“I never worry that all hell will break loose. My concern is that only part of hell will break loose and be much harder to detect.” ~ George Carlin

“When it comes to God’s existence, I’m not an atheist and I’m not agnostic. I’m an acrostic. The whole thing puzzles me.” ~ George Carlin

“The Baby Boomers: whiny, narcissistic, self-indulgent people with a simple philosophy: “Gimme that! It’s mine!”” ~ George Carlin

“One great thing about getting old is that you can get out of all sorts of social obligations just by saying you’re too tired.” ~ George Carlin

“The word bipartisan usually means some larger-than-usual deception is being carried out.” ~ George Carlin

“I thought about how mothers feed their babies with tiny little spoons and forks so I wondered, what do Chinese mothers use? Toothpicks?” ~ George Carlin

“I don’t have a fear of heights. I do, however, have a fear of falling from heights.” ~ George Carlin

“Religion is the worst thing that ever happened to mankind – the ironic part is that it’s presented as a good thing, and its effect is absolutely catastrophic to individuals and to societies.” ~ George Carlin

“We think in language. We think in words. Language is the landscape of thought.” ~ George Carlin

“I’m a high-tech low-life. A cutting edge, state-of-the-art bi-coastal multi-tasker and I can give you a gigabyte in a nanosecond!” ~ George Carlin

“The next time a prostitute solicits your business, ask for the clergyman’s rate.” ~ George Carlin

“If you have selfish, ignorant citizens, you’re gonna get selfish, ignorant leaders.” ~ George Carlin

“Language always gives you away.” ~ George Carlin

“The main reason Santa is so jolly is because he knows where all the bad girls live.” ~ George Carlin

“I respect animals. I have more sympathy for an injured or dead animal than I do for an injured or dead human being, because human beings participate and cooperate in their own undoing. Animals are completely innocent. There are no innocent human beings.” ~ George Carlin

“If the shoe fits, buy another one just like it.” ~ George Carlin

“Why do they bother saying “raw sewage”? Do some people actually cook that stuff?” ~ George Carlin

“I also survived circumcision, a barbaric practice designed to remind you as early as possible that your genitals are not your own.” ~ George Carlin

“I went to a bookstore and asked the saleswoman, ‘Where’s the self-help section?’ She said if she told me, it would defeat the purpose.” ~ George Carlin

“Regarding jam sessions: Jazz musicians are the only workers I can think of who are willing to put in a full shift for pay and then go somewhere else and continue to work for free.” ~ George Carlin

“There’s a humorous side to every situation. The challenge is to find it.” ~ George Carlin

“You show me a tropical fruit and I’ll show you a cocksucker from Guatemala.” ~ George Carlin

“Once you leave the womb, conservatives don’t care about you until you reach military age. Then you’re just what they’re looking for. Conservatives want live babies so they can raise them to be dead soldiers.” ~ George Carlin

“Why is it called tourist season if we can’t shoot at them?” ~ George Carlin

“Never let the brain idle. ‘An idle mind is the devil’s workshop.’ And the devil’s name is Alzheimer’s.” ~ George Carlin

“I couldn’t commit suicide if my life depended on it.” ~ George Carlin

“If at first you don’t succeed, redefine success.” ~ George Carlin

“Censorship that comes from the outside assumes about people an inability to make reasoned choices.” ~ George Carlin

“Is a vegetarian permitted to eat animal crackers?” ~ George Carlin

“People love to admit they have bad handwriting or that they can’t do math. And they will readily admit to being awkward: ‘I’m such a klutz!’ But they will never admit to having a poor sense of humor or being a bad driver.” ~ George Carlin

“Hey! Who stole my collection of used bandages?! And they also got away with my nude pictures of Ernest Borgnine!” ~ George Carlin

“President George Bush declared a National Day of Prayer for Peace. This was after he had carefully arranged and started the war.” ~ George Carlin

“The god excuse, the last refuge of a man with no answers and no argument.” ~ George Carlin

“Surround yourself with what you love.” ~ George Carlin

“If everyone in the world sat quietly at the same time, closed their eyes and concentrated as hard as they could on peace and goodwill, all the killing and cruelty in the world would continue. And probably increase.” ~ George Carlin

“If a pig loses its voice, is it disgruntled?” ~ George Carlin

“It’s never just a game when you’re winning.” ~ George Carlin

“Honesty may be the best policy, but it’s important to remember that apparently, by elimination, dishonesty is the second-best policy.” ~ George Carlin

“The phrase surgical strike might be more acceptable if it were common practice to perform surgery with high explosives.” ~ George Carlin

“Tell the people you love that you love them, at every opportunity.” ~ George Carlin

“I don’t like to think of laws as rules you have to follow, but more as suggestions.” ~ George Carlin

“I don’t get all choked up about yellow ribbons and American flags. I consider them to be symbols and I leave symbols to the symbol minded.” ~ George Carlin

“I’m kinda like herpes, I just keep coming back.” ~ George Carlin

“That’s why they call it the American Dream, because you have to be asleep to believe it.” ~ George Carlin

“There will be a rain dance Friday night, weather permitting!” ~ George Carlin

“The Christians are coming to get you, and they are not pleasant people.” ~ George Carlin

“War is rich old men protecting their property by sending middle class and lower class young men off to die. It always has been.” ~ George Carlin

“Put two things together which have never been put together before, and some schmuck will buy it.” ~ George Carlin

“If you love someone set them free. If they come back, set them on fire.” ~ George Carlin

“Dogs lead a nice life. You never see a dog with a wristwatch.” ~ George Carlin

“Irony deals with opposites; it has nothing to do with coincidence.” ~ George Carlin

“Oh Beautiful for smoggy skies, insecticided grain, For strip-mined mountain’s majesty above the asphalt plain. America, America, man sheds his waste on thee, And hides the pines with billboard signs, from sea to oily sea.” ~ George Carlin

“Give now. Somewhere, someone feels crappy. You can help.” ~ George Carlin

“My first rule: I don’t believe anything the government tells me.” ~ George Carlin

“It used to be cars had cool names: Dart, Hawk, Fury, Cougar, Firebird, Hornet, Mustang, Barracuda. Now we have Elantra, Altima, Acura, Lumina, Sentra, Corolla, Maxima, Tercel. Further proof that America has lost its edge.” ~ George Carlin

“The real reason that we can’t have the Ten Commandments in a courthouse: You cannot post “Thou shalt not steal,” “Thou shalt not commit adultery,” and “Thou shalt not lie” in a building full of lawyers, judges, and politicians. It creates a hostile work environment.” ~ George Carlin

“Language is a tool for concealing the truth. If we could read each other’s minds, this would be a horror show.” ~ George Carlin

“In Hawaii they say, “aloha.” That’s a nice one, It means both “hello” and “good-bye” Which just goes to show, if you spend enough time in the sun you don’t know whether you’re coming or going.” ~ George Carlin

“People always tell me “Have a nice day.” Well what if I don’t want to? What if I want to have a crappy day?” ~ George Carlin

“If you’ve got a cat and a leg, you’ve got a happy cat. If you’ve got a cat and two legs, you’ve got a party.” ~ George Carlin

“This country was founded by a group of slave owners who told us that all men are created equal.” ~ George Carlin

“If you’re looking for self-help, why would you read a book written by somebody else?” ~ George Carlin

“No one knows what’s next, but everybody does it.” ~ George Carlin

“Ever wonder about those people who spend $2 apiece on those little bottles of Evian water? Try spelling Evian backward.” ~ George Carlin

“If this is the best God can do, I’m not impressed.” ~ George Carlin

“We talk too much, love too seldom, and hate too often.” ~ George Carlin

“If churches want to play the game of politics, let them pay admission like everyone else.” ~ George Carlin

“Every day I break my own personal record for number of days I have been alive.” ~ George Carlin

“My mother would say, ‘Why are you always playing alone?’ And I would say, ‘I’m not playin’, Ma. I’m fuckin’ serious!” ~ George Carlin

“Twat is twat and that is that.” ~ George Carlin

“Those who dance are considered insane by those who cannot hear the music.” ~ George Carlin

“I was a loner as a child. I had an imaginary friend – I didn’t bother with him.” ~ George Carlin

“The caterpillar does all the work, but the butterfly gets all the publicity.” ~ George Carlin

“Kilometers are shorter than miles. Save gas, take your next trip in kilometers.” ~ George Carlin

“If you live long enough, sooner or later everybody you know has cancer.” ~ George Carlin

“Atheism is a non-prophet organization.” ~ George Carlin

“How is it possible to have a civil war?” ~ George Carlin

“Spirituality: the last refuge of a failed human. Just another way of distracting yourself from who you really are.” ~ George Carlin

“There are no bad words. Bad thoughts. Bad intentions, and wooooords.” ~ George Carlin

“The truth is, Pavlov’s dog trained Pavlov to ring this bell just before the dog salivated.” ~ George Carlin

“Why are a ‘wise man’ and a ‘wiseguy’ opposites?” ~ George Carlin

“I do this real moron thing, and it’s called thinking. And apparently I’m not a very good American because I like to form my own opinions.” ~ George Carlin

“Mother’s milk leads to everything.” ~ George Carlin

“The planet isn’t going anywhere. We are.” ~ George Carlin

“I had no shoes, and I felt sorry for myself until I met a man who had no feet. I took his shoes. Now I feel better.” ~ George Carlin

“I knew a transsexual guy whose only ambition is to eat, drink, and be Mary.” ~ George Carlin

“I’ve set my own rules to live by. The first one is: ‘Never believe ANYthing the government says.’” ~ George Carlin

“You ever notice that? Any time you see two groups of people who really hate each other, chances are good they’re wearing different kind of hats. Keep an eye on that, it might be important.” ~ George Carlin

“I went straight from shenanigans to crimes against humanity.” ~ George Carlin

“Everything beeps now.” ~ George Carlin

“Can placebos cause side effects? If so, are the side effects real?” ~ George Carlin

“The bloodiest, most brutal wars fought, all based on religious hatred. Which is fine with me! Any time a bunch of holy people want to go out and kill each other I’m a happy guy!” ~ George Carlin

“What do dogs do on their day off?; Can’t lie around – that’s their job!” ~ George Carlin

“If people stand in a circle long enough, they’ll eventually begin to dance.” ~ George Carlin

“The IQ and the life expectancy of the average American recently passed each other in opposite directions.” ~ George Carlin

“I’ll bet there aren’t too many people hooked on crack who can play the bagpipes.” ~ George Carlin

“Some people see the glass half full. Others see it half empty. I see a glass that’s twice as big as it needs to be.” ~ George Carlin

“The surgeon general warned today that saliva causes stomach cancer. But apparently only when swallowed in small amounts over a long period of time.” ~ George Carlin

“Pacifism is a nice idea but it can get you killed. We’re not there yet. Evolution is slow, small pox is fast.” ~ George Carlin

“Pardon me I’ve got nothing to say.” ~ George Carlin

“More people write poetry than read it.” ~ George Carlin

“Think of how stupid the average person is, and realize half of them are stupider than that.” ~ George Carlin

“We are a nation of sheep, and someone else owns the grass.” ~ George Carlin

“Frisbeetarianism is the belief that when you die, your soul goes up on the roof and gets stuck.” ~ George Carlin

“Sun worship is fairly simple. There’s no mystery, no miracles, no pageantry, no one asks for money, there are no songs to learn, and we don’t have a special building where we all gather once a week to pare compare clothing.” ~ George Carlin

“Before they give you a lethal injection, they swab your arm with alcohol. It’s true. Well, they don’t want you to get an infection, and you can see their point. They don’t want some guy go to hell and be sick.” ~ George Carlin

“There is a planet named Pluto, but we don’t have one named Goofy. Goofy would be a good name for this planet. It certainly qualifies.” ~ George Carlin

“If the reason for climbing Mt. Everest is that it’s hard to do, why does everyone go up the easy side?” ~ George Carlin

“Isn’t it a bit unnerving that doctors call what they do “practice”?” ~ George Carlin

“When I ask how old your toddler is, I don’t need to hear ‘27 months.’ ‘He’s two’ will do just fine. He’s not a cheese. And I didn’t really care in the first place.” ~ George Carlin

“The highly motivated people in society are the ones causing all the trouble. It’s not the lazy unmotivated folks sitting in front of a TV eating potato chips who bother anyone.” ~ George Carlin

“What wine goes with Captain Crunch?” ~ George Carlin

“The Christians gave Him Sunday, the Jews gave Him Saturday, and the Muslims gave Him Friday. God has a three-day weekend.” ~ George Carlin

“If God is all powerful, can He make a stone so big that He Himself can’t lift it?” ~ George Carlin

“Here’s all you have to know about men and women: women are crazy, men are stupid. And the main reason women are crazy is that men are stupid.” ~ George Carlin

“There are three kinds of people: those who can count, and those who cannot.” ~ George Carlin

“Governments don’t want a population capable of critical thinking, they want obedient workers, people just smart enough to run the machines and just dumb enough to passively accept their situation.” ~ George Carlin

“If all the world is a stage, where is the audience sitting?” ~ George Carlin

“Soft rock music isn’t rock, and it ain’t music. It’s just soft.” ~ George Carlin

“Regarding the fitness craze: America has lost its soul; now it’s trying to save its body.” ~ George Carlin

“We are all precancerous.” ~ George Carlin

“Life is a series of dogs.” ~ George Carlin

“Always do whatever’s next.” ~ George Carlin

“If you had chicken at lunch and chicken at dinner, do you ever wonder if the two chickens knew each other?” ~ George Carlin

“When fascism comes to America, it will not be in brown and black shirts. It will not be with jack-boots. It will be Nike sneakers and Smiley shirts. Germany lost the Second World War. Fascism won it. Believe me, my friend.” ~ George Carlin

“Capitalism tries for a delicate balance: It attempts to work things out so that everyone gets just enough stuff to keep them from getting violent and trying to take other people’s stuff.” ~ George Carlin

“Scientists announced today that they have discovered a cure for apathy. However, they claim no one has shown the slightest interest in it.” ~ George Carlin

“Israeli murderers are called “commandos,” Arab commandos are called “terrorists.”” ~ George Carlin

“Flowers are one of the few things we buy, bring home, watch die, and we don’t ask for our money back.” ~ George Carlin

“They say if you outlaw guns, only outlaws will have guns. Well, those are precisely the people who need them!” ~ George Carlin