Bill Cosby

“Whenever your kids are out of control, you can take comfort from the thought that even God’s omnipotence did not extend to His kids.” ~ Bill Cosby

“The essence of childhood, of course, is play.” ~ Bill Cosby

“Men and women belong to different species and communications between them is still in its infancy.” ~ Bill Cosby

“My father would pass gas and then blame it on imaginary animals.” ~ Bill Cosby

“I’ve got a Ferrari. VROOM! I do 104 from the garage to the front door.” ~ Bill Cosby

“George Carlin is brilliant with words, and Johnny Winters is very creative. It’s taking something common and drawing out the humor, being clever with words.” ~ Bill Cosby

“Why do I have to feed the kids? They just ate twelve hours ago!” ~ Bill Cosby

“Fathers are the geniuses of the house because only a person as intelligent as we could fake such stupidity.” ~ Bill Cosby

“In order to succeed, your desire for success should be greater than your fear of failure.” ~ Bill Cosby

“Fatherhood is telling your daughter that Michael Jackson loves all his fans, but has special feelings for the ones who eat broccoli.” ~ Bill Cosby

“Immortality is a long shot, I admit. But somebody has to be first.” ~ Bill Cosby

“Now, this is the fun part about getting stoned. They get stoned, then they become paranoid. Now, when they started out, they said, “Let’s get high and have fun.” So they’re high; now they’re paranoid.

“Those who criticize our generation forget who raised it.” ~ Bill Cosby

“That married couples can live together day after day is a miracle that the Vatican has overlooked.” ~ Bill Cosby

“Every romance does not lead to sex.” ~ Bill Cosby

“If you can find humour in anything, you can survive it.” ~ Bill Cosby

“Criticizing is easy, art is difficult.” ~ Bill Cosby

“That’s why ears have cartilage, to keep them from flapping.” ~ Bill Cosby

“Don’t talk yourself into not being you.” ~ Bill Cosby

“You can not make everybody happy…” ~ Bill Cosby

“Old is always fifteen years from now.” ~ Bill Cosby

“If I use the word romance, whether it’s my wife or not, it does not mean sex. We can use the word sex when sex is there.” ~ Bill Cosby

“Family is conflict and it’s something that we all relate to.” ~ Bill Cosby

“Is the glass half full, or half empty? It depends on whether you’re pouring, or drinking.” ~ Bill Cosby

“A child who is disciplined will be more obedient and also more organized as a student.” ~ Bill Cosby

“What is it about grandparents that is so lovely? I’d like to say that grandparents are God’s gifts to children.” ~ Bill Cosby

“Social networking helps reach people easier and quicker.” ~ Bill Cosby

“A grandchild is God’s reward for raising a child.” ~ Bill Cosby

“Even though your kids will consistently do the exact opposite of what you’re telling them to do, you have to keep loving them just as much.” ~ Bill Cosby

“The weatherman is always right. It’s just his timing that’s off.” ~ Bill Cosby

“It isn’t a matter of black is beautiful as much as it is white is not all that’s beautiful.” ~ Bill Cosby

“Like everyone else who makes the mistake of getting older, I begin each day with coffee and obituaries.” ~ Bill Cosby

“Beware of people who fall at your feet. They may be reaching for the corner of the rug.” ~ Bill Cosby

“The main goal of the future is to stop violence. The world is addicted to it.” ~ Bill Cosby

“The first-born in every family is always dreaming for an imaginary older brother or sister who will look out for them.” ~ Bill Cosby

“The essence of childhood, of course, is play, which my friends and I did endlessly on streets that we reluctantly shared with traffic.” ~ Bill Cosby

“In my old neighborhood, a boy stopped playing when he began to lose his pulse. And then he became the referee.” ~ Bill Cosby

“Take your bottom lip and pull it over your head.” ~ Bill Cosby

“My father walked to school 4 o’clock every morning with no shoes on, uphill, both ways, in 5 feet of snow and he was thankful.” ~ Bill Cosby

“If you took your child to the dentist and check for cavities, the child likely won’t get them. If you take them just for emergency, that’s all they’re gonna get.” ~ Bill Cosby

“Fatherhood is pretending the present you love most is soap-on-a-rope.” ~ Bill Cosby

“I don’t have a clue about the way to achievement, however the way to disappointment is attempting to please everyone.” ~ Bill Cosby

“There should be marches in every neighborhood every day telling the people about the negativity of drugs and how the drugs help us to behave negatively.” ~ Bill Cosby

“I often try to tell kids to think about all the people who love you, don’t cry over the one person who doesn’t.” ~ Bill Cosby

“You can turn painful situations around through laughter. If you can find humor in anything, even poverty, you can survive it.” ~ Bill Cosby

“Our children are angry. The profanity is out in the street. It’s on the buses and in the subway. Our children are trying to tell us something, and we are not listening.” ~ Bill Cosby

“People say “God will find a way.” God can’t find a way if you’re in the way.” ~ Bill Cosby

“Betrayal, abandonment, deceit and manipulation.” ~ Bill Cosby

“I was a physical education major with a child psychology minor at Temple, which means if you ask me a question about a child’s behavior, I will advise you to tell the child to take a lap.” ~ Bill Cosby

“Fatherhood is helping your children learn English as a foreign language.” ~ Bill Cosby

“You also notice that the right side of your face feels like it’s sliding off of your skull. And your bottom lip is in your lap!” ~ Bill Cosby

“If the new American father feels bewildered and even defeated, let him take comfort from the fact that whatever he does in any fathering situation has a fifty percent chance of being right.” ~ Bill Cosby

“We’re not raising children with the love that we need to.” ~ Bill Cosby

“The only thing that you can get into without a lot of trouble is a lot of trouble.” ~ Bill Cosby

“Violence won’t solve a thing. It makes it more challenging to solve, though.” ~ Bill Cosby

“If you know what you want, you will recognize it when you see it.” ~ Bill Cosby

“A Hoyo de Monterrey double corona is my favourite Cuban since Desi Arnaz.” ~ Bill Cosby

“I don’t wear no condom and I don’t plan for no kids.” ~ Bill Cosby

“Gray hair is God’s graffiti.” ~ Bill Cosby

“Raising children is an incredibly hard and risky business in which no cumulative wisdom is gained: each generation repeats the mistakes the previous one made.” ~ Bill Cosby

“I guess the real reason that my wife and I had children is the same reason that Napoleon had for invading Russia: it seemed like a good idea at the time.” ~ Bill Cosby

“A pelican that is wet walks with a gated limp, but a dry fish swims alone.” ~ Bill Cosby

“A sail boat that sails backwards can never see the sun rise.” ~ Bill Cosby

“Mediocre people are the most dangerous people in the world.” ~ Bill Cosby

“Kids need to remember that when you put something on Twitter, it’s not like whispering to your friend, you’ve put it on a billboard that the whole world, including your own kids someday, can see.” ~ Bill Cosby

“Sometimes you try to help people, and it backfires on you, and then they try to take advantage of you.” ~ Bill Cosby

“Now, Richard Pryor was unique. Many misunderstood his humor. He lit up the hallway, but they didn’t understand his use of profanity. He didn’t use it just to be using it; he used it in the context of his satire.” ~ Bill Cosby

“The first time I came across the birds and the bees in actual flight, I couldn’t identify the formation.” ~ Bill Cosby

“What’s your name again? That’s right. I’m so glad you know your name.” ~ Bill Cosby

“Any husband who says, “My wife and I are completely equal partners,” is talking about either a law firm or a hand of bridge.” ~ Bill Cosby

“How long can you tread water?” ~ Bill Cosby

“There is no labor a person does that is undignified; if they do it right.” ~ Bill Cosby

“I can’t even talk the way these people talk. ‘Why you ain’t?’ ‘Where you is?’ Everybody knows it’s important to speak English except these knuckleheads. You can’t be a doctor with that kind of crap coming out of your mouth.” ~ Bill Cosby

“Did you ever see the customers in health – food stores? They are pale, skinny people who look half – dead. In a steak house, you see robust, ruddy people. They’re dying, of course, but they look terrific.” ~ Bill Cosby

“Because for me it is almost analgesic to talk about what the white man is doing against us. And it keeps a person frozen in their seat, it keeps you frozen in your hole you’re sitting in.” ~ Bill Cosby

“When I was a boy if a girl got pregnant the shame was placed on her and the boy could get away.” ~ Bill Cosby

“A new father quickly learns that his child invariably comes to the bathroom at precisely the times when he’s in there, as if he needed company. The only way for this father to be certain of bathroom privacy is to shave at the gas station.” ~ Bill Cosby

“When you become senile, you won’t know it.” ~ Bill Cosby

“Fatherhood is asking your son to make up a name rather than tell anybody who he is.” ~ Bill Cosby

“My mother was an authority on pig sties. This is the worst looking pigsty I have ever seen in my life, and I want it cleaned up right now.” ~ Bill Cosby

“Parents are not interested in justice, they’re interested in peace and quiet.” ~ Bill Cosby

“I have to follow my thoughts and mine for the gold. I have to dig it out.” ~ Bill Cosby

“Poets have said that the reason to have children is to give yourself immortality. Immortality? Now that I have five children, my only hope is that they are all out of the house before I die.” ~ Bill Cosby

“Your parents put a curse on you – Someday your kids are going to act just like you.” ~ Bill Cosby

“I am proud to be an American. Because an American can eat anything on the face of this earth as long as he has two pieces of bread.” ~ Bill Cosby

“Human beings are the only creatures that allow their children to come back home.” ~ Bill Cosby

“The heart of marriage is memories; and if the two of you happen to have the same ones and can savor your reruns, then your marriage is a gift from the gods.” ~ Bill Cosby

“I don’t know the key to success, but the key to failure is trying to please everyone.” ~ Bill Cosby

“Dentists tell you not to pick your teeth with any sharp metal object. Then you sit in their chair and the first thing they grab is an iron hook.” ~ Bill Cosby

“It’s more blessed to give than to receive – especially kittens.” ~ Bill Cosby

“There is hope for the future because God has a sense of humor and we are funny to God.” ~ Bill Cosby

“You know my father’s favorite game? Come here and pull my finger.” ~ Bill Cosby

“All Children Have Brain Damage!” ~ Bill Cosby

“Brown versus the Board of Education is no longer the white person’s problem.” ~ Bill Cosby

“My eleven year old daughter mopes around the house all day waiting for her breasts to grow.” ~ Bill Cosby

“The serve was invented so that the net could play.” ~ Bill Cosby

“Intellectuals are people who go to study things other people do naturally.” ~ Bill Cosby

“In your 50s, time becomes precious and must not be wasted. Every minute is an excellent opportunity for a good nap. Happy 50th birthday!” ~ Bill Cosby

“Zip zop wop boopity bop.” ~ Bill Cosby

“Let us now set forth one of the fundamental truths about marriage: the wife is in charge.” ~ Bill Cosby

“I once asked my father for a dollar for the school picnic. He told me how he once killed a grizzly bear with his loose-leaf notebook.” ~ Bill Cosby

“Laughter brings out the child in all of us.” ~ Bill Cosby

“When you graduate from college, they tell you to follow your dreams. Does anyone say you have to wake up first?” ~ Bill Cosby

“The past is a ghost, the future a dream and all we ever have is now.” ~ Bill Cosby

“You’ll have many, many friends, but if your relationship with your mate is one hundred per cent of your heart, you’ll never need a friend.” ~ Bill Cosby

“The very first law in advertising is to avoid the concrete promise and cultivate the delightfully vague.” ~ Bill Cosby

“People can be more forgiving than you can imagine. But you have to forgive yourself. Let go of what’s bitter and move on.” ~ Bill Cosby

“Don’t let your victories go to your head, or your failures go to your heart.” ~ Bill Cosby

“After creating the heaven, the earth, the ocean, and the entire animal kingdom, God created Adam and Eve. And the first thing He said to them was “Don’t.”” ~ Bill Cosby

“If you have no faith, you’ve lost your battle.” ~ Bill Cosby

“You can never give complete authority and overall power to anyone until trust can be proven.” ~ Bill Cosby

“Civilization had too many rules for me, so I did my best to rewrite them.” ~ Bill Cosby

“Nothing I’ve ever done has given me more joys and rewards than being a father to my children.” ~ Bill Cosby

“Man cannot live by bread alone; he must have peanut butter.” ~ Bill Cosby

“No matter how calmly you try to referee, parenting will eventually produce bizarre behavior, and I’m not talking about the kids. Their behavior is always normal.” ~ Bill Cosby

“My mother comes in my room and says, “Just look at this mess! This is a pig sty!” Now, I’ve already been in the room five hours, and she wants me to LOOK at it.” ~ Bill Cosby

“The dentist drills some more and you hear him make a mistake. And to cover it up, they all say the same thing: “Okay, rinse.”” ~ Bill Cosby

“Every closed eye is not sleeping, and every open eye is not seeing.” ~ Bill Cosby

“I brought you in this world, and I can take you out!” ~ Bill Cosby

“You go and you buy a lottery ticket. You’ve got just as much chance of getting struck by lightning as you do of winning the lottery.” ~ Bill Cosby

“Give me 200 active 2-year-olds and I could conquer the world.” ~ Bill Cosby

“Always end the name of your child with a vowel, so that when you yell the name will carry.” ~ Bill Cosby

“Ours is a youth culture, and like a golf tournament, we honor only low scores.” ~ Bill Cosby

“Sex education may be a good idea in the schools, but I don’t believe the kids should be given homework.” ~ Bill Cosby

“You people are not prepared. You are well educated and you look cute, but that’s not going to cut it.” ~ Bill Cosby

“All around the United States of America – in the cities and the counties – our public education is suffering and has been suffering. Cuts, cuts, cuts.” ~ Bill Cosby

“As a comedian, I can walk out in front of 5000 people and not worry about a thing. Not a thing, believe me. But to stand up a face a camera and crew of maybe 15 guys and get up tight about it – to me that’s weird.” ~ Bill Cosby

“Calculus is one course you can come with to your parents and say, I am dropping it. And they’ll understand.” ~ Bill Cosby

“A word to the wise ain’t necessary – it’s the stupid ones that need the advice.” ~ Bill Cosby

“All parents experience the same problems.” ~ Bill Cosby

“You can’t be everything to everyone.” ~ Bill Cosby

“Romance is a different word than sexual contact.” ~ Bill Cosby

“The heart of marriage is memories.” ~ Bill Cosby

“You can teach an old dog new tricks. You just don’t want to see the dog doing them.” ~ Bill Cosby

“It is a warning, Godspeed. It means you are no longer welcome here at these prices.” ~ Bill Cosby

“If you speak your mind and if it is true what you’re saying, then I think the integrity of what you’re saying carries through.” ~ Bill Cosby

“Education happens to be something that all people, all cultures, need to embrace. Math, science, the words of the world. To be able to speak and be able to have clarity and to be able to think. Those are the greatest of gifts.” ~ Bill Cosby

“You know the only people who are always sure about the proper way to raise children? Those who’ve never had any.” ~ Bill Cosby

“Why do kids always say peace out, I though peace was in.” ~ Bill Cosby

“If you have a question about anything, the answer can be found in a book somewhere in the library.” ~ Bill Cosby

“My wife was a beautiful woman before we had children.” ~ Bill Cosby

“There are no absolutes in raising children. In any stressful situation, fathering is always a roll of the dice. The game may be messy, but I have never found one with more joys and rewards.” ~ Bill Cosby

“Women don’t want to hear what you think. Women want to hear what they think – in a deeper voice.” ~ Bill Cosby

“Today’s parents grew up with the silly notion that music was meant to be heard.” ~ Bill Cosby

“Decide that you want it more than you are afraid of it.” ~ Bill Cosby

“The secret of success is to be like a duck, Smooth and unruffled on top, But paddling furiously underneath.” ~ Bill Cosby

“For college seniors there should be a week of being allowed to cry. Just break down and cry because you are scared and don’t know what’s next.” ~ Bill Cosby

“The summit, which is set up to educate people about managing their money and protecting their income, leads to empowerment of self, for which this summit needs to be applauded.” ~ Bill Cosby

“I think you need to make responsibility something that’s not just a word.” ~ Bill Cosby

“If you want to be seen, stand up. If you want to be heard, speak up. If you want to be appreciated, shut up.” ~ Bill Cosby

“I’m not sure if my parents had me because they loved me, or because they wanted someone to watch their other children.” ~ Bill Cosby

“Every father says the same thing: “Where’s your mother?”” ~ Bill Cosby

“Grandparents are God’s gifts to children.” ~ Bill Cosby

“Anyone can dabble, but once you’ve made that commitment, your blood has that particular thing in it, and it’s very hard for people to stop you.” ~ Bill Cosby

“I don’t think you can bring the races together by joking about the differences between them. I’d rather talk about the similarities, about what’s universal in their experiences.” ~ Bill Cosby

“I did not want to turn to playing golf because golf is about as much exercise as shuffling cards.” ~ Bill Cosby

“When I was a child, I was living in the housing projects of Philadelphia. I didn’t even have a Christmas tree.” ~ Bill Cosby

“Every success story has a parent who says, ‘over my dead body.’ Every success story has an old person who walks up to you and says, when you’re acting the fool, ‘you know I worry about you sometimes.’” ~ Bill Cosby

“Through humor, you can soften some of the worst blows that life delivers. And once you find laughter, no matter how painful your situation might be, you can survive it.” ~ Bill Cosby