Groucho Marx Quotes

Julius Henry “Groucho” Marx was an accomplished American comedian, actor, writer, and singer, known for his performances in film, television, radio, stage, and vaudeville. He is widely recognized as a maestro of sharp humor and is celebrated as one of the United States’ most esteemed comedians. Wikipedia

“With a little study you’ll go a long ways, and I wish you’d start now.” ~ Groucho Marx

“How do you feel about women’s rights? I like either side of them.” ~ Groucho Marx

“Do they allow tipping on the boat? – Yes, sir. Have you got two fives? – Oh, yes, sir. Then you won’t need the ten cents I was going to give you.” ~ Groucho Marx

“From the moment I picked your book up until I laid it down, I was convulsed with laughter. Someday I intend reading it.” ~ Groucho Marx

“I must say I find television very educational. The minute somebody turns it on, I go to the library and read a good book.” ~ Groucho Marx

“I wish you’d keep my hands to yourself.” ~ Groucho Marx

“If I held you any closer I would be on the other side of you.” ~ Groucho Marx

“There is no sweeter sound than the crumbling of one’s fellow man.” ~ Groucho Marx

“I was so long writing my review that I never got around to reading the book.” ~ Groucho Marx

“In any relationship, the woman has control, the clever ones don’t let the men know.” ~ Groucho Marx

“I never forget a face, but in your case I’ll be glad to make an exception.” ~ Groucho Marx

“The first part of the party of the first part shall be known in this contract as the first part of the party of the first part shall be known in this contract – Look, why should we quarrel about a thing like this? We’ll take it right out, eh?” ~ Groucho Marx

“Well, Art is Art, isn’t it? Still, on the other hand, water is water. And east is east and west is west and if you take cranberries and stew them like applesauce they taste much more like prunes than rhubarb does. Now you tell me what you know.” ~ Groucho Marx

“Don’t ever underestimate the importance of money. I know it’s often been said that money won’t make you happy and this is undeniably true, but everything else being equal, it’s a lovely thing to have around the house.” ~ Groucho Marx

“Time wounds all heels.” ~ Groucho Marx

“If income tax is the price you have to pay to keep the government on its feet, alimony is the price we have to pay for sweeping a woman off hers.” ~ Groucho Marx

“Behind every successful man is a woman, behind her is his wife.” ~ Groucho Marx

“Just give me a comfortable couch, a dog, a good book, and a woman. Then if you can get the dog to go somewhere and read the book, I might have a little fun.” ~ Groucho Marx

“Military intelligence is a contradiction in terms.” ~ Groucho Marx

“I’d like to meet the person who invented sex and see what they’re working on now.” ~ Groucho Marx

“A clown is like aspirin, only he works twice as fast.” ~ Groucho Marx

“Come on in girls, and leave all hope behind.” ~ Groucho Marx

“Hollywood brides keep the bouquets and throw away the grooms.” ~ Groucho Marx

“If women dressed for men, the stores wouldn’t sell much – just an occasional sun visor.” ~ Groucho Marx

“Quote me as saying I was mis-quoted.” ~ Groucho Marx

“I came here for a party and what do I get? Nothing. Not even Ice cream.” ~ Groucho Marx

“I wouldn’t want to belong to a club that would have me as a member.” ~ Groucho Marx

“Groucho: You know I think you’re the most beautiful woman in the world? Woman: Really? Groucho: No, but I don’t mind lying if it gets me somewhere.” ~ Groucho Marx

“Marriage is the chief cause of divorce.” ~ Groucho Marx

“Afraid? Me? A man who’s licked his weight in wild caterpillars?” ~ Groucho Marx

“Two women at a resort discussed dinner: “The food here is lousy,” the first noted.

“Money will not make you happy, and happy will not make you money.” ~ Groucho Marx

“I intend to live forever, or die trying.” ~ Groucho Marx

“Age is not a particularly interesting subject. Anyone can get old. All you have to do is live long enough.” ~ Groucho Marx

“If you are not having fun you are doing something wrong.” ~ Groucho Marx

“I write by ear. I tried writing with the typewriter, but I found it too unwieldy.” ~ Groucho Marx

“I’m not crazy about reality, but it’s still the only place to get a decent meal.” ~ Groucho Marx

“Bel Air, I am convinced, was laid out by some diabolic sadist who deliberately decided not to use a compass or a surveyor.” ~ Groucho Marx

“You’re the most beautiful woman I’ve ever seen, and that’s not saying much for you.” ~ Groucho Marx

“Heifer cow is better than none, but this is no time for puns.” ~ Groucho Marx

“Blood’s not thicker than money.” ~ Groucho Marx

“No, Groucho is not my real name. I am breaking it in for a friend.” ~ Groucho Marx

“She’s so in love with me, she doesn’t know anything. That’s why she’s in love with me.” ~ Groucho Marx

“It is impossible to design anything that is foolproof because fools are so ingenious.” ~ Groucho Marx

“My mother loved children – she would have given anything if I had been one.” ~ Groucho Marx

“You can leave in a huff. Or you can leave in a minute and a huff.” ~ Groucho Marx

“Middle age is when you go to bed at night and hope you feel better in the morning. Old age is when you go to bed at night and hope you wake up in the morning.” ~ Groucho Marx

“Some day there will have to be some new rules established about name-calling. I don’t mean the routine cursing that goes on between husband and wife, but the naming of defenseless, unsuspecting babies.” ~ Groucho Marx

“Always examine the dice.” ~ Groucho Marx

“A woman can smell mink through six inches of lead.” ~ Groucho Marx

“Now there’s a man with an open mind – you can feel the breeze from here!” ~ Groucho Marx

“Hello, I must be going, I cannot stay, I came to say, I must be going. I’m glad I came, but just the same, I must be going.” ~ Groucho Marx

“I don’t have a photograph, but you can have my footprints. They’re upstairs in my socks.” ~ Groucho Marx

“I find television very educating. Every time somebody turns on the set, I go into the other room and read a book.” ~ Groucho Marx

“If we had some eggs we could have eggs and ham, if we had some ham.” ~ Groucho Marx

“Many years ago I chased a woman for almost two years, only to discover that her tastes were exactly like mine: we both were crazy about girls.” ~ Groucho Marx

“Why, I’d horse-whip you if I had a horse.” ~ Groucho Marx

“One morning I shot an elephant in my pajamas. How he got into my pajamas I’ll never know.” ~ Groucho Marx

“Send two dozen roses to Room 424 and put “Emily, I love you” on the back of the bill.” ~ Groucho Marx

“Take two turkeys, one goose, four cabbages, but no duck, and mix them together. After one taste, you’ll duck soup for the rest of your life.” ~ Groucho Marx

“Poverty makes people sub-human Excess of wealth makes people inhuman.” ~ Groucho Marx

“Outside of a dog, a book is man’s best friend. Inside of a dog it’s too dark to read.” ~ Groucho Marx

“A moose is an animal with horns on the front of its head and a hunting lodge wall on the back of it.” ~ Groucho Marx

“Groucho Marx “This is not a book that should be set aside lightly – it should be flung with great force.” ~ Groucho Marx

“But what makes wage slaves? Wages!” ~ Groucho Marx

“I remember the first time I had sex – I kept the receipt.” ~ Groucho Marx

“That’s three quotes? Add another quote and make it a gallon.” ~ Groucho Marx

“Anyone who says he can see through women is missing a lot.” ~ Groucho Marx

“Die, my dear? Why that’s the last thing I’ll do!” ~ Groucho Marx

“And stop pointing that beard at me, it might go off!” ~ Groucho Marx

“There’s only two things you can start without a plan: a riot and a family, for everything else you need a plan.” ~ Groucho Marx

“Wives are people who feel they don’t dance enough.” ~ Groucho Marx

“TV is the rat race of the century.” ~ Groucho Marx

“Given the choice between a woman and a cigar, I will always choose the cigar.” ~ Groucho Marx

“He may look like an idiot and talk like an idiot but don’t let that fool you. He really is an idiot.” ~ Groucho Marx

“One of the best hearing aids a man can have is an attentive wife.” ~ Groucho Marx

“The only real laughter comes from despair.” ~ Groucho Marx

“Each morning when I open my eyes I say to myself: I, not events, have the power to make me happy or unhappy today.” ~ Groucho Marx

“When discovered by his wife, kissing the maid, Groucho said, “I was just whispering in her mouth”” ~ Groucho Marx

“You’ve got a goal in life. I’ve got a goal. Now all we need is a football team.” ~ Groucho Marx

“I’m not a vegetarian, but I eat animals who are.” ~ Groucho Marx

“If you want to see a comic strip, you should see me in the shower.” ~ Groucho Marx

“We’ll meet at the theater tonight. I’ll hold your seat ’til you get there. Once you get there; you’re on your own.” ~ Groucho Marx

“It isn’t necessary to have relatives in Kansas City in order to be unhappy.” ~ Groucho Marx

“Money cannot buy you happiness, and happiness cannot buy you money. That might be a wise crack, but I doubt it.” ~ Groucho Marx

“Ever since they found out that Lassie was a boy, the public has believed the worst about Hollywood.” ~ Groucho Marx

“Some people claim that marriage interferes with romance. There’s no doubt about it. Anytime you have a romance, your wife is bound to interfere.” ~ Groucho Marx

“Practically everybody in New York has half a mind to write a book, and does.” ~ Groucho Marx

“Learn from the mistakes of others. You can never live long enough to make them all yourself.” ~ Groucho Marx

“I love to read. My education is self-inflicted.” ~ Groucho Marx

“Why a four-year-old child could understand this report. Run out and find me a four-year-old child. I can’t make head nor tail out of it.” ~ Groucho Marx

“Remember, the grass is always greener where you don’t happen to be the neighbor.” ~ Groucho Marx

“One woman and one man might have been OK in your grandmother’s day, but who wants to marry your grandmother? Not even your grandfather!” ~ Groucho Marx

“I met my wife on a ferry boat, and when we landed she gave me the slip.” ~ Groucho Marx

“Growing old is something you do if you’re lucky.” ~ Groucho Marx

“This would be a better place for children if parents had to eat spinach.” ~ Groucho Marx

“I’ve been around so long, I knew Doris Day before she was a virgin.” ~ Groucho Marx

“Patience is the art of finding something else to do.” ~ Groucho Marx

“I’ve met a lot of pin-up girls, but I’ve never been able to pin one down.” ~ Groucho Marx

“No one is completely unhappy at the failure of his best friend.” ~ Groucho Marx

“A black cat crossing your path signifies that the animal is going somewhere.” ~ Groucho Marx

“Women should be obscene, not heard.” ~ Groucho Marx

“Next time I see you, remind me not to talk to you.” ~ Groucho Marx

“I am a man and you are a woman. I can’t think of a better arrangement.” ~ Groucho Marx

“Only if the computers really love each other.” ~ Groucho Marx

“The Two Most Important Words In The World Are Honesty And Sincerity, If You Can Fake These You’ve Got It Made.” ~ Groucho Marx

“Getting older is no problem. You just have to live long enough.” ~ Groucho Marx

“Remember men, you are fighting for the ladies honor, which is probably more than she ever did.” ~ Groucho Marx

“Whatever it is, I’m against it.” ~ Groucho Marx

“Laugh and the world laughs with you, cry and you’re probably watching the wrong channel.” ~ Groucho Marx

“If you take cranberries and stew them like apple sauce, it tastes much more like prunes than rhubarb does.” ~ Groucho Marx

“You call this a party? The beer is warm, the women cold and I’m hot under the collar.” ~ Groucho Marx

“Why don’t you bore a hole in yourself and let the sap run out?” ~ Groucho Marx

“Celebrate the cracks, because that’s how the light comes in.” ~ Groucho Marx

“Life is a whim of several billion cells to be you for a while.” ~ Groucho Marx

“Love had forged ahead so swiftly that in no time it had displaced agriculture as the leading industry of the period. To anyone who has tried both, this wont come as much of a surprise.” ~ Groucho Marx

“I, not events, have the power to make me happy or unhappy today. I can choose which it shall be. Yesterday is dead, tomorrow hasn’t arrived yet. I have just one day, today, and I’m going to be happy in it.” ~ Groucho Marx

“I don’t care to belong to a club that accepts people like me as members.” ~ Groucho Marx

“If the garbage man calls, tell him we don’t want any.” ~ Groucho Marx

“You get a canoe later and I’ll paddle you.” ~ Groucho Marx

“Comedians are a much rarer and far more valuable commodity than all the gold and precious stones in the world.” ~ Groucho Marx

“I have a mind to join a club and beat you over the head with it.” ~ Groucho Marx

“I eat like a vulture. Unfortunately the resemblance doesn’t end there.” ~ Groucho Marx

“The difference between a politician and a snail is that the snail leaves its slime behind. Whoever named it necking was a poor judge of anatomy.” ~ Groucho Marx

“How would you like to feel the way she looks.” ~ Groucho Marx

“Mrs. Teasdale calls for rescue and Firefly delivers the famous line to his cohorts as they rescue her: “Remember, you’re fighting for this woman’s honor, which is probably more than she ever did.”” ~ Groucho Marx

“A hospital bed is a parked taxi with the meter running.” ~ Groucho Marx

“I would never join a country club with standards so low as to allow me as a member.” ~ Groucho Marx

“If they’d lower the taxes and get rid of the smog and clean up the traffic mess, I really believe I’d settle here until the next earthquake.” ~ Groucho Marx

“Well, art is art, isn’t it? Still, on the other hand, water is water!” ~ Groucho Marx

“Whoever named it necking was a poor judge of anatomy.” ~ Groucho Marx

“Humor is reason gone mad.” ~ Groucho Marx

“If you’ve heard this story before, don’t stop me, because I’d like to hear it again.” ~ Groucho Marx

“This isn’t a particularly novel observation, but the world is full of people who think they can manipulate the lives of others merely by getting a law passed.” ~ Groucho Marx

“Yes, darling, let me cover your face with kisses-On second thought, just let me cover your face.” ~ Groucho Marx

“Hello, I must be going.” ~ Groucho Marx

“I’ve been looking for a girl like you – not you, but a girl like you.” ~ Groucho Marx

“I worked my way up from nothing to a state of extreme poverty.” ~ Groucho Marx

“Alimony is like buying hay for a dead horse.” ~ Groucho Marx

“Blessed are the cracked, for they shall let in the light.” ~ Groucho Marx

“It’s hard to get ivory in Africa, but in Alabama the Tuscaloosa.” ~ Groucho Marx

“I think you’ve got something there, but I’ll wait outside until you clean it up.” ~ Groucho Marx

“Do you suppose I could buy back my introduction to you?” ~ Groucho Marx

“Scientists make these deductions by examining a rat, or your landlord who won’t cut the rent, and what do they find? Asparagus.” ~ Groucho Marx

“Room service? Send up a larger room.” ~ Groucho Marx

“Who are you going to believe, me or your own eyes?” ~ Groucho Marx

“I have just one day, today, and I’m going to be happy in it.” ~ Groucho Marx

“Man does not control his own fate. The women in his life do that for him.” ~ Groucho Marx

“Will you marry me? Do you have any money? Answer the second question first.” ~ Groucho Marx

“Gerald Ford was unknown throughout America. Now he’s unknown throughout the world.” ~ Groucho Marx

“Why would I want to join an organization that would encourage people like myself to become members.” ~ Groucho Marx

“Politics doesn’t make strange bedfellows – marriage does.” ~ Groucho Marx

“The Alps are a simple folk, living on a diet of old shoes. And the Lord Alps those who alp themselves.” ~ Groucho Marx

“I must confess, I was born at a very early age.” ~ Groucho Marx

“He thinks I look alike!” ~ Groucho Marx

“I’m going to Iowa for an award. Then I’m appearing at Carnegie Hall, it’s sold out. Then I’m sailing to France to be honored by the French government – I’d give it all up for one erection.” ~ Groucho Marx

“My brother thinks he’s a chicken-We don’t talk him out of it because we need the eggs.” ~ Groucho Marx

“Television is where you watch people in your living room that you would not want near your house.” ~ Groucho Marx

“Hey you! I told you to slow that nag down! Because of you, I almost heard the opera!” ~ Groucho Marx

“Today’s Father Day and we’re giving you a tie, it’s not much you know, it’s just our way of showing you, you’re a regular guy.” ~ Groucho Marx

“Time flies like an arrow; fruit flies like a banana.” ~ Groucho Marx

“Making love to your wife is like shooting at sitting ducks.” ~ Groucho Marx

“The only game I like to play is “Old Maid”, providing she’s not too old.” ~ Groucho Marx

“An ounce of prevention is worth a pound of bandages and adhesive tape.” ~ Groucho Marx

“How much would you want to stand at the wrong end of a shooting gallery?” ~ Groucho Marx

“Jail is no place for a young fellow. There’s no advancement.” ~ Groucho Marx

“When I invite a woman to dinner, I expect her to look at my face. That’s the price she has to pay.” ~ Groucho Marx

“Politics is the art of looking for trouble, finding it everywhere, diagnosing it incorrectly and applying the wrong remedies.” ~ Groucho Marx

“Africa is God’s country, and He can have it.” ~ Groucho Marx

“Go, and never darken my towels again.” ~ Groucho Marx

“I have an agreement with the houseflies. The flies don’t practice law and I don’t walk on the ceiling.” ~ Groucho Marx

“Military justice is to justice what military music is to music.” ~ Groucho Marx

“If it gets any hotter in here I could use a big fan.” ~ Groucho Marx

“The admission fee was a viper’s tongue and a half-concealed stiletto. It was a sort of intellectual slaughterhouse.” ~ Groucho Marx

“Believe me, you have to get up early if you want to get out of bed.” ~ Groucho Marx

“The Arab and the camel are inseparable. It’s been said that and Arab would give up his wife rather than give up his camel. Personally, I haven’t got a camel, but I think it’s a great idea.” ~ Groucho Marx

“Marry me and I’ll never look at another horse!” ~ Groucho Marx

“The first thing which I can record concerning myself is, that I was born. These are wonderful words. This life, to which neither time nor eternity can bring diminution – this everlasting living soul, began. My mind loses itself in these depths.” ~ Groucho Marx

“This book was written in those long hours I spent waiting for my wife to get dressed to go out. And if she had never gotten dressed at all this book would never have been written.” ~ Groucho Marx

“All people are born alike – except Republicans and Democrats.” ~ Groucho Marx

“All geniuses die young.” ~ Groucho Marx

“I never go to movies where the hero’s tits are bigger than the heroine’s.” ~ Groucho Marx

“Dig trenches? With our men being killed off like flies? There isn’t time to dig trenches. We’ll have to buy them ready made.” ~ Groucho Marx

“Three years ago I came to Florida without a nickel in my pocket. Now I’ve got a nickel in my pocket.” ~ Groucho Marx

“Hail, hail Freedonia, land of the free!” ~ Groucho Marx

“She got her looks from her father. He’s a plastic surgeon.” ~ Groucho Marx

“Don’t let the fear of the thorn keep you from the rose.” ~ Groucho Marx

“While money can’t buy happiness, it certainly lets you choose your own form of misery.” ~ Groucho Marx

“I was going to thrash them within an inch of their lives, but I didn’t have a tape measure.” ~ Groucho Marx

“Ice Water? Get some Onions – that’ll make your eyes water!” ~ Groucho Marx

“You’re heading for a breakdown. Why don’t you pull yourself to pieces.” ~ Groucho Marx

“The husband who wants a happy marriage should learn to keep his mouth shut and his checkbook open.” ~ Groucho Marx

“The problem with doing nothing is that you never know when you’re finished.” ~ Groucho Marx

“Don’t be silly. I’ll write you twice a week.” ~ Groucho Marx

“I’m not feeling very well – I need a doctor immediately. Ring the nearest golf course.” ~ Groucho Marx

“I’d have liked to have gone to bed with Jean Harlow. She was a beautiful broad. The fellow who married her was impotent and he killed himself. I would have done the same thing.” ~ Groucho Marx

“Oh, are you from Wales? Do you know a fella named Jonah-He used to live in whales for a while.” ~ Groucho Marx

“Why should I care about posterity? What’s posterity ever done for me?” ~ Groucho Marx

“He’s so full of alcohol, if you put a lighted wick in his mouth he’d burn for three days.” ~ Groucho Marx

“Don’t look now, but there’s one too many in this room and I think it’s you.” ~ Groucho Marx

“The foods that are recommended today are as palatable as a steady diet of wet blotters.” ~ Groucho Marx

“What have future generations ever done for us?” ~ Groucho Marx

“I think women are sexy when they got some clothes on. And if later they take them off then you’ve triumphed. Somebody once said it’s what you dont see you’re interested in, and this is true.” ~ Groucho Marx

“If you find it hard to laugh at yourself, I would be happy to do it for you.” ~ Groucho Marx

“Be open minded, but not so open minded that your brains fall out.” ~ Groucho Marx

“I wish to be cremated. One tenth of my ashes shall be given to my agent, as written in our contract.” ~ Groucho Marx

“In America you can go on the air and kid the politicians, and the politicians can go on the air and kid the people.” ~ Groucho Marx

“Only one man in a thousand is a leader of men – the other 999 follow women.” ~ Groucho Marx

“That’s nothing. My alarm clock is set for eight.” ~ Groucho Marx

“Years ago, I tried to top everybody, but I don’t anymore. I realized it was killing conversation. When you’re always trying for a topper you aren’t really listening. It ruins communication.” ~ Groucho Marx

“Let there be dancing in the streets, drinking in the saloons, and necking in the parlor.” ~ Groucho Marx

“Money frees you from doing things you dislike. Since I dislike doing nearly everything, money is handy.” ~ Groucho Marx

“I can see you in the kitchen bending over a hot stove, and I can’t see the stove.” ~ Groucho Marx

“A very interesting theory makes no sense at all.” ~ Groucho Marx

“Since my daughter is only half-Jewish, could she go in the water up to her knees?” ~ Groucho Marx

“Either he’s dead or my watch has stopped.” ~ Groucho Marx

“Do you mind if I don’t smoke?” ~ Groucho Marx

“As soon as I get through with you, you’ll have a clear case for divorce and so will my wife.” ~ Groucho Marx

“Love flies out the door when money comes innuendo.” ~ Groucho Marx

“There was no need to inform us of the protocol involved. We were from Chicago and knew all about cement.” ~ Groucho Marx

“I have nothing but respect for you – and not much of that.” ~ Groucho Marx

“Home is where you hang your head.” ~ Groucho Marx

“I hope they bury me near a strait man.” ~ Groucho Marx

“Was that you or the duck?” ~ Groucho Marx

“Sir, are you trying to offer me a bribe? How much.” ~ Groucho Marx

“I love my cigar too, but I take it out of my mouth once in a while.” ~ Groucho Marx

“My favourite poem is the one that starts ‘Thirty days hath September’ because it actually tells you something.” ~ Groucho Marx

“I married your mother because I wanted children, imagine my disappointment when you came along.” ~ Groucho Marx

“I know, I know – you’re a woman who’s had a lot of tough breaks. Well, we can clean and tighten those brakes, but you’ll have to stay in the garage all night.” ~ Groucho Marx

“Anything that can’t be done in bed isn’t worth doing at all.” ~ Groucho Marx

“I could dance with you until the cows come home. On second thought I’d rather dance with the cows until you come home.” ~ Groucho Marx

“I have had a perfectly wonderful evening, but this wasn’t it.” ~ Groucho Marx

“You are going Uruguay, and I’m going my way.” ~ Groucho Marx

“A woman is an occasional pleasure but a cigar is always a smoke.” ~ Groucho Marx

“I cannot say that I don’t disagree with you.” ~ Groucho Marx

“There’s one way to find out if a man is honest – ask him. If he says, ‘Yes,’ you know he is a crook.” ~ Groucho Marx

“If he’s been married for 31 years, he’s not the same man.” ~ Groucho Marx

“A child of five would understand this. Send someone to fetch a child of five.” ~ Groucho Marx

“Marriage is a wonderful institution, but who wants to live in an institution?” ~ Groucho Marx

“It isn’t so much that hard times are coming; the change observed is mostly soft times going.” ~ Groucho Marx

“The secret of life is honesty and fair dealing. If you can fake that, you’ve got it made.” ~ Groucho Marx

“I was born at a very early age. Before I had time to regret it, I was four and a half years old.” ~ Groucho Marx

“I refuse to join any club that would have me as a member.” ~ Groucho Marx

“With the possible exception of clothes, beauty salons and Frank Sinatra, there are few subjects all women agree upon.” ~ Groucho Marx

“I’ve known and respected your husband for many years, and what’s good enough for him is good enough for me.” ~ Groucho Marx

“I’m leaving because the weather is too good. I hate London when it’s not raining.” ~ Groucho Marx

“A man’s only as old as the woman he feels.” ~ Groucho Marx

“Oh, why can’t we break away from all this, just you and I, and lodge with my fleas in the hills? I mean flee to my lodge in the hills.” ~ Groucho Marx

“Why was I with her? She reminds me of you. In fact, she reminds me more of you than you do!” ~ Groucho Marx

“When you’re in jail, a good friend will be trying to bail you out. A best friend will be in the cell next to you saying, ‘Damn, that was fun’.” ~ Groucho Marx

“You bet I’m shy. I’m a shyster lawyer.” ~ Groucho Marx

“There’s a man outside with a big black mustache. – Tell him I’ve got one.” ~ Groucho Marx

“I was married by a judge. I should have asked for a jury.” ~ Groucho Marx

“Madam, you’re making history, in fact, you’re making me, and I wish you’d keep my hands to yourself.” ~ Groucho Marx

“No man goes before his time – unless the boss leaves early.” ~ Groucho Marx

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