Steven Wright

“I feel very lucky to make a living from my imagination; I’m very grateful for that. I like that what I do is create. I’m feeling very lucky to have had the career I had. It’s gone much longer and bigger than I ever thought it would be.” ~ Steven Wright

“I wear my heart on my sleeve. I wear my liver on my pant leg.” ~ Steven Wright

“Why is a carrot more orange than an orange?” ~ Steven Wright

“Everywhere is walking distance if you have the time.” ~ Steven Wright

“My grandfather gave me a watch. It doesn’t have any hands or numbers. He says it’s very accurate. I asked him what time it was. You can guess what he told me.” ~ Steven Wright

“I made a chocolate cake with white chocolate. Then I took it to a potluck. I stood in line for some cake. They said, “Do you want white cake or chocolate cake?” I said, “yes.”” ~ Steven Wright

“I finally got around to reading the dictionary. Turns out the Zebra did it.” ~ Steven Wright

“Why is it, when a door is open it’s ajar, but when a jar is open, it’s not a door?” ~ Steven Wright

“Why do they sterilize needles for lethal injections?” ~ Steven Wright

“If at first you don’t succeed, destroy all evidence that you tried.” ~ Steven Wright

“What happens if you get scared half to death twice?” ~ Steven Wright

“I play the harmonica. The only way I can play is if I get my car going really fast, and stick it out the window.” ~ Steven Wright

“Do married people live longer than single people or does it just SEEM longer?” ~ Steven Wright

“I took a course in speed waiting. Now I can wait an hour in only ten minutes.” ~ Steven Wright

“How young can you die of old age?” ~ Steven Wright

“When I was a fetus, I used to sneak out at night when my mother was sleeping. I figured I should start stealing stuff while I still had no fingerprints.” ~ Steven Wright

“Why do we wash bath towels? Aren’t we clean when we use them?” ~ Steven Wright

“I wrote a song, but I can’t read music so I don’t know what it is. Every once in a while I’ll be listening to the radio and I say, “I think I might have written that.”” ~ Steven Wright

“The sign said “eight items or less”. So I changed my name to Les.” ~ Steven Wright

“Whenever I think of the past, it brings back so many memories.” ~ Steven Wright

“You know how it is when you’re walking up the stairs, and you get to the top, and you think there’s one more step? I’m like that all the time.” ~ Steven Wright

“Why is the alphabet in that order? Is it because of that song?” ~ Steven Wright

“If you were going to shoot a mime, would you use a silencer?” ~ Steven Wright

“On the other hand, you have different fingers.” ~ Steven Wright

“What do little birdies see when they get knocked unconscious?” ~ Steven Wright

“My aunt gave me a walkie-talkie for my birthday. She says if I’m good, she’ll give me the other one next year.” ~ Steven Wright

“I just got this new camera. It’s very advanced – you don’t even need it.” ~ Steven Wright

“When I turned two I was really anxious, because I’d doubled my age in a year. I thought, if this keeps up, by the time I’m six I’ll be ninety.” ~ Steven Wright

“The sun never sets on the British Empire. But it rises every morning. The sky must get awfully crowded.” ~ Steven Wright

“Winny and I lived in a house that ran on static electricity. If you wanted to run the blender, you had to rub balloons on your head. If you wanted to cook, you had to pull off a sweater real quick.” ~ Steven Wright

“Why, in a country of free speech, are there phone bills?” ~ Steven Wright

“I was thinking that women should put pictures of missing husbands on beer cans.” ~ Steven Wright

“I saw a man with a wooden leg and a real foot.” ~ Steven Wright

“Consciousness: That annoying time between naps.” ~ Steven Wright

“I Xeroxed my watch. Now I have time to spare.” ~ Steven Wright

“If people from Poland are called Poles, why aren’t people from Holland called Holes?” ~ Steven Wright

“When I was a kid I had a friend who worked in a radio station. Whenever we walked under a bridge, you couldn’t hear what he said.” ~ Steven Wright

“I saw a subliminal advertising executive, but only for a second.” ~ Steven Wright

“When I was in boy scouts, I slipped on the ice and hurt my ankle. A little old lady had to help me across the street.” ~ Steven Wright

“Why do psychics have to ask you for your name?” ~ Steven Wright

“All those who believe in psychokinesis – raise my hand.” ~ Steven Wright

“I had my coat hangers spayed.” ~ Steven Wright

“I got food poisoning today. I don’t know when I’ll use it.” ~ Steven Wright

“I’m writing an unauthorized autobiography.” ~ Steven Wright

“OK, so what’s the speed of dark?” ~ Steven Wright

“If you saw a heat wave, would you wave back?” ~ Steven Wright

“If a man says something in the woods and there are no women there, is he still wrong?” ~ Steven Wright

“Do radioactive cats have eighteen half-lives?” ~ Steven Wright

“24 hours in a day, 24 beers in a case. Coincidence?” ~ Steven Wright

“When I was crossing the border into Canada, they asked if I had any firearms with me. I said, ‘Well, what do you need?’” ~ Steven Wright

“I was a peripheral visionary. I could see the future, but only way off to the side.” ~ Steven Wright

“Hermits have no peer pressure.” ~ Steven Wright

“Tell a man that there are 400 billion stars and he’ll believe you. Tell him a bench has wet paint and he has to touch it.” ~ Steven Wright

“Black holes result from God dividing the universe by zero.” ~ Steven Wright

“If a word in the dictionary were misspelled, how would we know?” ~ Steven Wright

“I like to fill my tub up with water, then turn the shower on and act like I’m in a submarine that’s been hit .” ~ Steven Wright

“Yesterday, my eyeglass prescription ran out.” ~ Steven Wright

“I went to a general store but they wouldn’t let me buy anything specific.” ~ Steven Wright

“I had a dream that all the babies prevented by the pill showed up. They were mad.” ~ Steven Wright

“I washed mud off of mud.” ~ Steven Wright

“It’s like the Wild West, the Internet. There are no rules.” ~ Steven Wright

“For my sister’s 50th birthday, I sent her a singing mammogram.” ~ Steven Wright

“What’s another word for Thesaurus?” ~ Steven Wright

“I went to a bookstore and asked the saleswoman, ‘Where’s the self-help section?’ She said if she told me, it would defeat the purpose.” ~ Steven Wright

“If you must choose between two evils, pick the one you’ve never tried before.” ~ Steven Wright

“My dental hygienist is cute. Every time I visit, I eat a whole package of Oreo cookies while waiting in the lobby. Sometimes she has to cancel the rest of the afternoon’s appointments.” ~ Steven Wright

“At one point he decided enough was enough.” ~ Steven Wright

“I was an only child, eventually.” ~ Steven Wright

“I couldn’t repair your brakes, so I made your horn louder.” ~ Steven Wright

“To steal ideas from one person is plagiarism; to steal from many is research.” ~ Steven Wright

“I like to skate on the other side of the ice.” ~ Steven Wright

“You know when you’re sitting on a chair and you lean back so you’re just on two legs and you lean too far so you almost fall over but at the last second you catch yourself? I feel like that all the time…” ~ Steven Wright

“The other day when I was walking through the woods, I saw a rabbit standing in front of a candle making shadows of people on a tree.” ~ Steven Wright

“When everything’s coming your way, you’re in the wrong lane.” ~ Steven Wright

“I broke my arm trying to fold a bed. It wasn’t the kind that folds.” ~ Steven Wright

“I have an inferiority complex, but it’s not a very good one.” ~ Steven Wright

“Imagine if birds were tickled by feathers. You’d see a flock of birds come by, laughing hysterically!” ~ Steven Wright

“It is like putting a dehumidifier and a humidifier in the same room and letting them fight it out.” ~ Steven Wright

“Depression is merely anger without enthusiasm.” ~ Steven Wright

“If you got into a taxi and the driver started driving backward, would the taxi driver end up owing you money?” ~ Steven Wright

“How do you tell when you’re out of invisible ink?” ~ Steven Wright

“I have a paper cut from writing my suicide note. It’s a start…” ~ Steven Wright

“What would a chair look like if your knees bent the other way?” ~ Steven Wright

“I took a lie detector test the other day. No, I didn’t.” ~ Steven Wright

“Why doesn’t the fattest man in the world become a hockey goalie?” ~ Steven Wright

“If Dracula can’t see his reflection in a mirror, how come his hair is always so neatly combed?” ~ Steven Wright

“A fool and his money are soon partying.” ~ Steven Wright

“In Vegas, I got into a long argument with the man at the roulette wheel over what I considered to be an odd number.” ~ Steven Wright

“I was in the first submarine. Instead of a periscope, they had a kaleidoscope.

“I went to this restaurant last night that was set up like a big buffet in the shape of an Ouija board. You’d think about what kind of food you want, and the table would move across the floor to it.” ~ Steven Wright

“I put a new engine in my car, but forgot to take the old one out. Now my car goes 500 miles per hour. The harmonica sounds amazing.” ~ Steven Wright

“I just lost a buttonhole.” ~ Steven Wright

“I used to work in a fire hydrant factory. You couldn’t park anywhere near the place.” ~ Steven Wright

“The Stones, I love the Stones. I watch them whenever I can. Fred, Barney…” ~ Steven Wright

“There’s a pizza place near where I live that sells only slices. In the back, you can see a guy tossing a triangle in the air.” ~ Steven Wright

“In school, every period ends with a bell. Every sentence ends with a period. Every crime ends with a sentence.” ~ Steven Wright

“If its tourist season, why cant we shoot them.” ~ Steven Wright

“If you are in a spaceship that is traveling at the speed of light, and you turn on the headlights, does anything happen?” ~ Steven Wright

“Why do scientists call it research when looking for something new?” ~ Steven Wright

“Can you buy an entire chess set in a pawn shop?” ~ Steven Wright

“Do you think that when they asked George Washington for ID that he just whipped out a quarter?” ~ Steven Wright

“I busted a mirror and got seven years bad luck, but my lawyer thinks he can get me five.” ~ Steven Wright

“I saw a bank that said ‘24 Hour Banking,’ but I don’t have that much time.” ~ Steven Wright

“I rented a lottery ticket. I won a million dollars. But I had to give it back.” ~ Steven Wright

“If a person with multiple personalities threatens suicide, is that considered a hostage situation?” ~ Steven Wright

“Even snakes are afraid of snakes.” ~ Steven Wright

“My theory of evolution is that Darwin was adopted.” ~ Steven Wright

“I have all the emotions that everyone has; it just appears that I don’t.” ~ Steven Wright

“How much deeper would the ocean be if sponges didn’t live there?” ~ Steven Wright

“If vegetarians eat vegetables, what do humanitarians eat.” ~ Steven Wright

“I planted some bird seed. A bird came up. Now I don’t know what to feed it.” ~ Steven Wright

“I think God’s going to come down and pull civilization over for speeding.” ~ Steven Wright

“When I was in school the teachers told me practice makes perfect; then they told me nobody’s perfect so I stopped practicing.” ~ Steven Wright

“I love eating chocolate cake and ice cream after a show. I almost justify it in my mind as, ‘You were a good boy onstage and you did your show, so now you can have some cake and ice cream.’” ~ Steven Wright

“In hindsight, I realized I could see into the future. Which is kind of like having premonitions of flashbacks.” ~ Steven Wright

“I just found out I have an IQ of 208, and I don’t know what that means.” ~ Steven Wright

“Sponges grow in the ocean. That just kills me. I wonder how much deeper the ocean would be if that didn’t happen.” ~ Steven Wright

“Last night I fell asleep in a satellite dish. My dreams were broadcast all over the world.” ~ Steven Wright

“While I was gone, somebody rearranged on the furniture in my bedroom. They put it in exactly the same place it was. When I told my roommate, he said: “Do I know you?”” ~ Steven Wright

“The colder the X-ray table, the more of your body is required to be on it.” ~ Steven Wright

“I heard that in relativity theory, space and time are the same thing. Einstein discovered this when he kept showing up three miles late for his meetings.” ~ Steven Wright

“If the universe is everything, and scientists say that the universe is expanding, what is it expanding into?” ~ Steven Wright

“If you take an Oriental person and spin him around several times, does he become disoriented?” ~ Steven Wright

“When I get real bored, I like to drive downtown and get a great parking spot, then sit in my car and count how many people ask if I’m leaving.” ~ Steven Wright

“My father was a small claims court jester.” ~ Steven Wright

“I don’t like politicians, and I don’t like politics. I definitely don’t want to be associated with any of them.” ~ Steven Wright

“I just got lost in thought. It was unfamiliar territory.” ~ Steven Wright

“If it’s a penny for your thoughts and you put in your two cents worth, then someone, somewhere is making a penny.” ~ Steven Wright

“I have not lost my mind – it’s backed up on disk somewhere.” ~ Steven Wright

“A lot of people are afraid of heights. Not me, I’m afraid of widths.” ~ Steven Wright

“Why doesn’t Tarzan have a beard? Why doesn’t glue stick to the inside of the bottle?” ~ Steven Wright

“Curiosity killed the cat, but for a while I was a suspect.” ~ Steven Wright

“If you can’t hear me, it’s because I’m in parentheses.” ~ Steven Wright

“I like to reminisce with people I don’t know.” ~ Steven Wright

“Last year I went fishing with Salvador Dali. He was using a dotted line. He caught every other fish.” ~ Steven Wright

“Why is a person who plays the piano called a pianist but a person who drives a racing car not called a racist?” ~ Steven Wright

“I have a large sea shell collection which I keep scattered on beaches all over the world. Maybe you’ve seen it.” ~ Steven Wright

“I bought a million lottery tickets. I won a dollar.” ~ Steven Wright

“My friend Winnie is a procrastinator. He didn’t get his birth mark til he was eight years old.” ~ Steven Wright

“I’m addicted to placebos. I could quit, but it wouldn’t matter.” ~ Steven Wright

“I think it’s wrong that only one company makes the game Monopoly.” ~ Steven Wright

“Last night I stayed up late playing poker with Tarot cards. I got a full house and four people died.” ~ Steven Wright

“Shin: a device for finding furniture in the dark.” ~ Steven Wright

“My friend has a baby. I’m recording all the noises he makes so later I can ask him what he meant.” ~ Steven Wright

“If a cow laughed, would milk come out her nose?” ~ Steven Wright

“The best kind of friend is the kind you sit with, never say a word and walk away feeling like it was the best conversation you ever had.” ~ Steven Wright

“I was arrested for lip-syncing karaoke.” ~ Steven Wright

“I put instant coffee in a microwave oven and almost went back in time.” ~ Steven Wright

“A metaphor is like a simile.” ~ Steven Wright

“I went to the hardware store and bought some used paint. It was in the shape of a house.” ~ Steven Wright

“What do you do when you see an endangered animal that eats only endangered plants?” ~ Steven Wright

“One time a cop pulled me over for running a stop sign. He said, “Didn’t you see the stop sign?” I said, “Yeah, but I don’t believe everything I read”” ~ Steven Wright

“You never really learn to swear until you learn to drive.” ~ Steven Wright

“The early bird gets the worm, but the second mouse gets the cheese.” ~ Steven Wright

“How come abbreviated is such a long word?” ~ Steven Wright

“Some friends of mine got me a sweater for my birthday. I’d have preferred a moaner or a screamer, but the sweater was OK.” ~ Steven Wright

“If one synchronised swimmer drowns, do all the rest have to drown too?” ~ Steven Wright

“I’m writing a book. I’ve got the page numbers done.” ~ Steven Wright

“The speed of time is one second per second.” ~ Steven Wright

“I had a friend who was a clown. When he died, all his friends went to the funeral in one car.” ~ Steven Wright

“If a tree falls in the forest and no one is around to see it, do the other trees make fun of it?” ~ Steven Wright

“I remember when the candle shop burned down. Everyone stood around singing ‘Happy Birthday.’” ~ Steven Wright

“Smoking cures weight problems, eventually.” ~ Steven Wright

“Cross country skiing is great if you live in a small country.” ~ Steven Wright

“They say the universe is expanding. That should help with the traffic.” ~ Steven Wright

“The older you get, the more you learn to see what you’ve been taught to see. When you’re a kid, you see what’s there.” ~ Steven Wright

“I kept a diary right after I was born. Day 1: Tired from the move. Day 2: Everyone thinks I’m an idiot.” ~ Steven Wright

“I’m addicted to placebos.” ~ Steven Wright

“Be nice to your children. After all, they are going to choose your nursing home.” ~ Steven Wright

“Women. Can’t live with ‘em, can’t shoot ’em.” ~ Steven Wright

“Five out of four people have trouble with fractions.” ~ Steven Wright

“I went down the street to the 24-hour grocery. When I got there, the guy was locking the front door. I said, ‘Hey, the sign says you’re open 24 hours.’ He said, ‘Yes, but not in a row.’” ~ Steven Wright

“Day 1 – Still tired from the move. Day 2 – Everybody talks to me like I’m an idiot.” ~ Steven Wright

“If man evolved from monkeys and apes, why do we still have monkeys and apes?” ~ Steven Wright

“Why isn’t the word “phonetically” spelled with an “f”?” ~ Steven Wright

“Imagine Pulitzer prizefighting.” ~ Steven Wright

“Always try to be modest, and be proud of it!” ~ Steven Wright

“The doctor says he has to amputate all of me.” ~ Steven Wright

“My friend Sally is a nudist. I went to her house. The closets have no doors. The walls are covered with see-through wallpaper.” ~ Steven Wright

“I’d kill for a Nobel Peace Prize.” ~ Steven Wright

“Support bacteria – they’re the only culture some people have.” ~ Steven Wright

“I look like a casual, laid-back guy, but it’s like a circus in my head.” ~ Steven Wright

“If lawyers are disbarred and clergymen defrocked, doesn’t it follow that electricians can be delighted, musicians denoted, cowboys deranged, models deposed, tree surgeons debarked, and dry cleaners depressed?” ~ Steven Wright

“Is it true that cannibals don’t eat clowns because they taste funny?” ~ Steven Wright

“I have an answering machine in my car. It says, I’m home now. But leave a message and I’ll call when I’m out.” ~ Steven Wright

“I replaced the headlights in my car with strobe lights, so it looks like I’m the only one moving.” ~ Steven Wright

“Yesterday I told a chicken to cross the road. It said, “What for?”” ~ Steven Wright

“Sometimes I wish my first word was ‘quote,’ so that on my death bed, my last words could be ‘end quote.’” ~ Steven Wright

“I drive way too fast to worry about cholesterol.” ~ Steven Wright

“I turned my air conditioner the other way around and it got cold out. The weatherman said ‘I don’t understand it. It was supposed to be 80 degrees out today.’ I said, oops.” ~ Steven Wright

“You can’t have everything. Where would you put it?” ~ Steven Wright

“The hardness of the butter is proportional to the softness of the bread.” ~ Steven Wright

“It’s a small world, but I wouldn’t want to have to paint it.” ~ Steven Wright

“Do you have any toy train schedules?” ~ Steven Wright

“Why are there five syllables in the word “monosyllabic”?” ~ Steven Wright

“I just have a relationship with my imagination. It’s like my friend, almost.” ~ Steven Wright

“Last night I played a blank tape at full blast. The mime next door went nuts.” ~ Steven Wright

“I poured spot remover on my dog. Now he’s gone.” ~ Steven Wright

“People may think I’m trying something new by telling stories, but they’re just jokes connected to give the illusion of stories. But really, I just continue using my imagination and creating. That’s what I do.” ~ Steven Wright

“If you tell a joke in the forest, but nobody laughs, was it a joke?” ~ Steven Wright

“I bought my brother some gift-wrap for Christmas. I took it to the gift wrap department and told them to wrap it, but in a different print so he would know when to stop unwrapping.” ~ Steven Wright

“It doesn’t matter what temperature the room is, it’s always room temperature.” ~ Steven Wright

“My socks DO match. They’re the same thickness.” ~ Steven Wright

“I got a new shadow. I had to get rid of the other one – it wasn’t doing what I was doing.” ~ Steven Wright

“Do Lipton employees take coffee breaks?” ~ Steven Wright

“I met this wonderful girl at Macy’s. She was buying clothes and I was putting Slinkies on the escalator.” ~ Steven Wright

“If I melt dry ice, can I swim without getting wet?” ~ Steven Wright

“When I woke up this morning my girlfriend asked me, ‘Did you sleep good?’ I said ‘No, I made a few mistakes.’” ~ Steven Wright

“It’s a good thing we have gravity or else when birds died they’d just stay right up there. Hunters would be all confused.” ~ Steven Wright

“The Bermuda Triangle got tired of warm weather. It moved to Alaska. Now Santa Claus is missing.” ~ Steven Wright

“Experience is something you don’t get until just after you need it.” ~ Steven Wright

“Yesterday I saw a chicken crossing the road. I asked it why. It told me it was none of my business.” ~ Steven Wright

“Why isn’t the number 11 pronounced onety one?” ~ Steven Wright

“I bought some batteries, but they weren’t included.” ~ Steven Wright

“I went to a restaurant that serves “breakfast at any time” so I ordered French toast during the Renaissance.” ~ Steven Wright

“The sun got confused about daylight savings time. It rose twice. Everything had two shadows.” ~ Steven Wright

“I’m kinda tired. I was up all night trying to round off infinity. Then I got bored and went out and painted passing lines on curved roads.” ~ Steven Wright

“Imagine how weird phones would look if your mouth was nowhere near your ears.” ~ Steven Wright

“I used to work at a health food store. I got fired for drinking straight Bosco on the job.” ~ Steven Wright

“I watched the Indy 500, and I was thinking that if they left earlier they wouldn’t have to go so fast.” ~ Steven Wright

“My nephew has HDADHD. High Definition Attention Deficit Disorder. He can barely pay attention, but when he does it’s unbelievably clear.” ~ Steven Wright

“Whatever happened to preparations A through G?” ~ Steven Wright

“Do Roman paramedics refer to IV’s as ’4’s??” ~ Steven Wright

“I have an existential map. It has ‘You are here’ written all over it.” ~ Steven Wright

“If everything seems to be going well, you have obviously overlooked something.” ~ Steven Wright

“I Xeroxed a mirror. Now I have an extra Xerox machine.” ~ Steven Wright

“Why are there interstate highways in Hawaii?” ~ Steven Wright

“Drugs may lead to nowhere, but at least it’s the scenic route.” ~ Steven Wright

“I have a fax machine with “fax waiting”.” ~ Steven Wright

“Whose cruel idea was it for the word “lisp” to have an “s” in it?” ~ Steven Wright

“I was once walking through the forest alone. A tree fell right in front of me – and I didn’t hear it.” ~ Steven Wright

“I can picture in my mind a world without war, a world without hate. And I can picture us attacking that world, because they’d never expect it.” ~ Steven Wright

“I tried to hang myself with a bungee cord. I kept almost dying.” ~ Steven Wright

“I told her I knew when I was going to die because my birth certificate had an expiration date on it.” ~ Steven Wright

“I went to a garage sale. ‘How much for the garage’ ‘It’s not for sale.’” ~ Steven Wright

“I’m a peripheral visionary.” ~ Steven Wright

“Why don’t they make the whole plane out of that black box stuff.” ~ Steven Wright

“Everyone has a photographic Memory, some just don’t have film.” ~ Steven Wright

“If at first you don’t succeed then skydiving definitely isn’t for you.” ~ Steven Wright

“They say we’re 98% water. We’re that close to drowning. I like to live on the edge.” ~ Steven Wright

“What a nice night for an evening.” ~ Steven Wright

“I got a new dog. He’s a paranoid retriever. He brings back everything because he’s not sure what I threw him.” ~ Steven Wright

“Snakes have no arms. That’s why they don’t wear vests.” ~ Steven Wright

“I almost had a psychic girlfriend but she left me before we met.” ~ Steven Wright

“One time the power went out in my house and I had to use the flash on my camera to see my way around. I made a sandwich and took fifty pictures of my face. The neighbors thought there was lightning in my house.” ~ Steven Wright

“99% of lawyers give the rest a bad name.” ~ Steven Wright

“I went to San Francisco. I found someone’s heart.” ~ Steven Wright

“I put tape on the mirrors in my house so I don’t accidentally walk through into another dimension.” ~ Steven Wright

“How come you don’t ever hear about gruntled employees? And who has been dis-ing them anyhow?” ~ Steven Wright

“Isn’t Disney World a people trap operated by a mouse?” ~ Steven Wright

“If heat rises, then heaven must be hotter than hell.” ~ Steven Wright

“I used to have an open mind but my brains kept falling out.” ~ Steven Wright

“In a lot of ways, success is much harder than I thought it would be. I figured that you’d get here and then everything would be happily ever after. But, it’s hard work, almost harder once you’re successful because you’ve got to maintain it.” ~ Steven Wright

“They say you’re not supposed to put metal in a microwave oven. They’re right.” ~ Steven Wright

“I used to be an airline pilot. I got fired because I kept locking the keys in the plane. They caught me on an 80 foot stepladder with a coat hanger.” ~ Steven Wright

“Does fuzzy logic tickle?” ~ Steven Wright

“Why do we wait until a pig is dead to “cure” it?” ~ Steven Wright

“Imagine Oshkosh straitjackets for little insane children.” ~ Steven Wright

“I just got out of the hospital. I was in a speed-reading accident. I hit a bookmark.” ~ Steven Wright

“My house is made out of balsa wood, so when I want to scare the neighborhood kids I lift it over my head and tell them to get out of my yard or I’ll throw it at them.” ~ Steven Wright

“I intend to live forever. So far, so good.” ~ Steven Wright

“I went to the museum where they had all the heads and arms from the statues that are in all the other museums.” ~ Steven Wright

“Last night somebody broke into my apartment and replaced everything with exact duplicates… When I pointed it out to my roommate, he said, “Do I know you?” ~ Steven Wright

“If it’s zero degrees outside today and it’s supposed to be twice as cold tomorrow, how cold is it going to be?” ~ Steven Wright

“My roommate got a pet elephant. Then it got lost. It’s in the apartment somewhere.” ~ Steven Wright

“Having sex with her is incredible. It’s just like a concert. We throw Frisbees around the room. And when she wants more she lights a match.” ~ Steven Wright

“There’s a fine line between fishing and just standing on the shore like an idiot.” ~ Steven Wright

“I got this powdered water – now I don’t know what to add.” ~ Steven Wright

“Half the people you know are below average.” ~ Steven Wright

“Monday is an awful way to spend 1/7 of your life.” ~ Steven Wright

“I put contact lenses in my dog’s eyes. They had little pictures of cats on them. Then I took one out and he ran around in circles.” ~ Steven Wright

“Should you trust a stockbroker who’s married to a travel agent?” ~ Steven Wright

“My doctor told me I shouldn’t work out until I’m in better shape. I told him, ‘All right; don’t send me a bill until I pay you.’” ~ Steven Wright

“Why don’t they just make mouse-flavored cat food?” ~ Steven Wright

“43.7 per cent of all statistics are made up on the spot.” ~ Steven Wright

“I saw a sign: “Rest Area 25 Miles”. That’s pretty big. Some people must be really tired.” ~ Steven Wright

“In my house there’s this light switch that doesn’t do anything. Every so often, I would flick it on and off just to check. Yesterday, I got a call from a woman in Germany. She said ‘cut it out’” ~ Steven Wright

“I bought a self learning record to learn Spanish. I turned it on and went to sleep; the record got stuck. The next day I could only stutter in Spanish.” ~ Steven Wright

“I hooked up my accelerator pedal in my car to my brake lights. I hit the gas, people behind me stop, and I’m gone.” ~ Steven Wright

“Why is it lemon juice contains mostly artificial ingredients but dishwashing liquid contains real lemons?” ~ Steven Wright

“I bought a house on a one-way dead-end road. I don’t know how I got there.” ~ Steven Wright

“I was trying to daydream, but my mind kept wandering.” ~ Steven Wright

“When I die, I’m leaving my body to science fiction.” ~ Steven Wright

“How can there be self-help groups?” ~ Steven Wright

“I’m a psychic amnesiac. I know in advance what I’ll forget.” ~ Steven Wright

“I’m moving to Mars next week, so if you have any boxes…” ~ Steven Wright

“Light travels faster than sound. Isn’t that why people appear bright before you hear them speak?” ~ Steven Wright

“I’m not naked, I’m in the band.” ~ Steven Wright

“I eat swiss cheese. But I only nibble on it. I make the holes bigger.” ~ Steven Wright

“The sky is falling. No, I’m tipping over backwards.” ~ Steven Wright

“Eagles may soar, but weasels don’t get sucked into jet engines.” ~ Steven Wright

“It was the first time I was ever in love, and I learned a lot. Before that I’d never even thought about killing myself.” ~ Steven Wright

“I was reading the dictionary. I thought it was a poem about everything.” ~ Steven Wright

“Officer, I know I was going faster than 55MPH, but I wasn’t going to be on the road an hour.” ~ Steven Wright

“If Barbie is so popular, why do you have to buy her friends?” ~ Steven Wright

“Plan to be spontaneous tomorrow.” ~ Steven Wright

“If a mute kid swears, should his mother wash his hands with soap?” ~ Steven Wright

“No one is listening until you make a mistake.” ~ Steven Wright

“A conscience is what hurts when all your other parts feel so good.” ~ Steven Wright

“I went to the hardware store to buy some batteries, but they weren’t included, so I had to buy them again.” ~ Steven Wright

“There was a power outage at a department store yesterday. Twenty people were trapped on the escalators.” ~ Steven Wright

“The other day I… uh, no, that wasn’t me.” ~ Steven Wright

“I have two pairs of reading glasses. One pair is for reading fiction, the other for non-fiction. I’ve read the Bible twice wearing each pair, and it’s the same.” ~ Steven Wright

“My friend Sam has one leg. I went to his house. I couldn’t go up the stairs.” ~ Steven Wright

“I washed a sock. Then I put it in the dryer. When I took it out, it was gone.” ~ Steven Wright

“I’ve never seen electricity, that’s why I don’t pay for it.” ~ Steven Wright

“If toast always lands butter-side down, and cats always land on their feet, what happens if you strap toast on the back of a cat and drop it?” ~ Steven Wright

“I wish the first word I ever said was the word quote, so right before I die I could say unquote.” ~ Steven Wright

“The other night I came home late, and tried to unlock my house with my car keys. I started the house up. So, I drove it around for a while. I was speeding, and a cop pulled me over. He asked where I lived. I said, “Right here, officer.”” ~ Steven Wright